Anxious Insomniac

I have this image of myself banging my head against a window, slapping my hand against the window at the same time, saying "Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep". Which then gets me thinking about that old Mervyn's commercial with the women saying "Open, open, open." And the two have nothing to do with each other - so it's just more of my randomness.

I had somewhat of an anxiety attack today. I get them occasionally. Like the time at a quinceanera when I suddenly needed to get away. Or the time at a parade with no moral support around while dealing with a tough situation. Or the time I went to San Francisco to watch my date perform, my shoes made my feet bleed, I was super self-conscious and felt out of place (none of that really had to do with the other) and at dinner I suddenly had to leave, disappeared for most of dinner, and showed back up with slippers on. Or sometimes when I try to stay the night somewhere. Every now and then, it even happens at work.

Who me?
Photo from Flickr.

It's like being that kid who swears to mom and dad that she can handle the sleepover, and then they get the call at 1 am that she's crying and hysterical and needs to go home RIGHT NOW.  She's afraid and the only thing that will calm her is to be home. She can't tell  you exactly what she's afraid of, she just knows she won't be okay until she's home or somewhere like home. The worst is when even once she's home she still feels it, and so she pleads to climb into bed with mom and dad. And snuggled between them she can finally fall asleep. Except now there's no mom and dad, so she has to find something else (writing, reading, a bath, a pill) to get enough comfort to finally let go and sleep. When she wakes, she's mortified at the way she acted. She can't explain it. She knows it was ridiculous and not grounded in any kind of reality. But in the midst of it, it felt like something terrible was surely going to happen.

It starts out with difficulty breathing. I have to remind myself to do what we normally do without thought. "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out." If that doesn't help, then I start getting hot and itchy: the soles of my feet, my ankles, the back of my neck, my shoulders, my wrists. "Breathe, don't scratch, breathe, don't scratch." People start noticing I seem a little off. Am I just snobby? Am I not interested? I'm trying to stay with them, keep smiling and interacting. Or when it's happened trying to stay with someone over night, I try not to toss and turn, try not to wake them. Or if I'm not really interacting, I might be texting a friend who is trying to help me long distance to maintain my composure. Which makes me look even more disinterested and snobby.

Me, before the anxiety came riding in today.

If I still haven't managed to calm down, my stomach gets upset. "Breathe, don't scratch, you aren't going to throw up. Breathe, don't scratch, you aren't going to throw up." And if I'm STILL not calming down and getting control of myself, my eyes start to water and it's time to bail. Usually the other person has no idea what's gone on inside me up to that point. Maybe they were off talking to someone else, maybe they weren't paying close enough attention to notice the warning signs, maybe they were peacefully sleeping, when suddenly I'm leaving. Hopefully before the tears have started - because at this point if they've started there's NO controlling them.

Someone said to me once after a situation they knew beforehand would be stressful for me, "I'd hoped you'd be stronger." Um, yah, me too! I certainly didn't hope I'd spend my morning trying to keep myself under control and wind up unable to tamp down the anxiety, end up rushing off in tears, and sit in my car crying for an hour.

What I felt like starting around 10 pm. Photo from Flickr.

It's 1:30 in the morning, so how much sense does this post make? Probably not much. Just stuff going through my head when I can't sleep. Realizing that I kind of set myself up for today's attack by not taking any real time to myself in the last week. It's the holiday season - which always depresses me - so I try not to be alone, when that's likely what I most need. I officially broke up with the boyfriend who had pretty much ended it but wouldn't say it, went to the mall on Black Friday, followed by a trip to Six Flags with two teenage girls who feed off each other, and got a "we need to talk" text from someone I care about, which always means bad news. So, yah, sensory overload = anxiety. And I'm still awake at 2:00 in the morning with a full day ahead of me.

Coffee, Tea, and... Sex Trafficking?

So, one thing I know is this: a sure way to feel better about yourself and your life is to actually stop thinking so much about both and to do something for someone else. But I haven’t been putting that into practice lately. I’d occasionally search volunteer opportunities, but some required one or two full weeks of all day training. That was out. I couldn’t afford to miss that much of my paid job in order to volunteer! Many opportunities were for during my working hours. I’d offer to babysit for friends, have sleepovers for my daughter, leave Starbucks gift cards randomly around my office building, and figured I was at least doing small things for others, right? Yah, I know, not quite the same.

One night I walked past a coffee shop on my way to the bar next door. “...volunteer…” jumped out at me and I stopped to read the sign. Why would a coffee shop need volunteers? 

My interest was piqued, I did some research the next day and learned that this was not just another coffee shop hoping to make it against the odds. In their own words:

 “Like you, we hold the belief that people have priceless worth.  The fact that the average slave in the world today is sold for the equivalent of $90 is among our world’s greatest atrocities.  In the summer of 2009, Mark South approached Chad Salstrom with an idea.  A vision for once disconnected individuals in a fragmented city collaborating together, sacrificing from their freedom, to give the gift of freedom. Two years later, a growing community had rallied to open Origin Coffee, a place where everyone works for free to set victims free.”

 Please visit their webpage and read more about why they chose a coffee shop and how they’re empowering a movement of the people.

It still took me awhile to make the commitment. I’d forget about it for awhile, then go to Boneshakers or Little Ceasers and see the sign.  I’d look up the website and read again about the reason behind opening this business.  And in October I finally stopped reading and thinking and acted. I filled out my volunteer application! Last week I went to an orientation and watched a video on sex trafficking. I was sick to my stomach. All I could think of was my own beautiful 9-year-old daughter. Of my gorgeous 18- and 19-year-old daughters.  And then I thought of a young me searching for acceptance , attention, and love through sex and how easy it probably would have been to lure me into a life of prostitution if the “right” person had tried. “But for the grace of God…” is what my heart was screaming at me.

So I made my three month commitment: Thursday nights from 7:00 to 11:00 from December through February. I balked a little. I have several other things that occur on Thursday nights. I really wanted Monday or Wednesday nights! But there had to be a reason that was the only shift left that fit with my work schedule and the times I have Hellion.  I signed up for my three job shadow days. And I left excited about this new opportunity, about being part of something so much bigger than myself.

Last night was my first job shadow. I was so close to leaving five minutes before I was scheduled. I’d come up with a dozen plausible reasons for bailing. My anxiety was escalating quickly. Everyone behind the counter was young, laid back, at ease. I didn’t fit in! What was I thinking? No way could I spend four hours behind the counter actually interacting with people and being a cashier!  Somehow I stayed. And I can’t say it got any better over the next four hours.

Around 9:30 I was still feeling out of place, like I just didn’t belong. I was tired after a full day at my regular job. I wasn’t used to being on my feet for hours. I wanted a glass of wine, my fuzzy cozy pajamas, and my bed. I was wondering if they’d ever had someone show up for job shadowing and not come back. I felt like I was just standing around too much – I didn’t know what else to do, though, and I was already super anxious and didn’t want to interrupt conversations to ask.  I was really ready to make an excuse and go home. Maybe come back, but likely not.

Image from Aling Baby.

And then the words from orientation hit me. This is a totally sucky paraphrase but basically it was that I was sacrificing four hours of my life so that a slave could go free. Sacrifice. If it’s easy, it’s not much of a sacrifice. I was uncomfortable. I was feeling out of place, tired, a little afraid. For four hours in a safe warm inviting environment. What the hell was I complaining about? I thought about how those being traded for sex would probably long for just such an opportunity, of the emotional and physical abuse they were enduring, wondering how long they could hold on to hope. I read the dishwashing instructions on the wall and washed the dishes.  It wasn’t much, but it was something. It was a start. When I want to quit, when I'm tired and cranky and frustrated, I’ll remember that I’m the fortunate one and pray that my four hours each week are enough to help someone else get freedom for life.

2011 - Coulda Been Worse

Almost everyone I know ushered out 2011 with a huge sigh of relief, a loud exclamation of "Thank God it's over!", or similar expressions of joy.  2011 in three words?  A lot of people went with "coulda been better". To my surprise, and probably that of those who know me best, I didn't feel the same sense of exhilaration.  Don't get me wrong - I wasn't sad to say goodbye.  But my first thought was "Coulda been worse!"  Which is rather unlike me.

So here's my recap of my 2011. If you know me, you probably know all of this.  If you don't know me,  you probably don't care and aren't reading this post anyway. The saying is "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."  I think I'll stick with the good and the ugly, since bad and ugly seem almost the same to me.

Ugliest: 2011 came in with my 17-year-old having been a runaway for a month.  We had a vague idea of where she was and what she was doing, neither great news but she was at least unharmed and relatively safe.  After finally being picked up, she spent a month in juvenile hall and then we all hopped aboard a roller coaster for a wild ride through a six month group home stay.  At some point in the future I'll write more about this in detail - in hopes to help others who think they're alone when their teen is in trouble.  For those who are told it's all their fault.  For those who aren't told it's their fault but blame themselves anyway, because that's what parents do. And for myself.

Runners-up: 

• The large child support payments due to the aforementioned group home situation. 
• Owing taxes for the first time ever, and for thousands, thanks to cashing out my retirement when my husband was out of work and me being an idiot and not being on top of things.
• Stupid ass high deductible plan with a company I will leave as soon as I can figure out how to swing it.  $120 for an appt with my primary care provider to try to get a prescription that I'd been on for years before switching to said company, only to be told I had to see a psychiatrist.  Tried to make that appointment but was told I had to see an intake counselor first.  She thought my primary care provider should be able to write my prescription, but had to check with the psychiatrist who then decided she needed to talk to me first.  So after 15 minutes with an intake counselor, 15 minutes with a psychiatrist, and another $550 out-of-pocket I finally left with my prescription.  Same company charged me $110 for an eyeglass and contact lens exam and then told me after that exam that I'd need to schedule a contact lens fitting for an additional $125 - a $40 discount from the standard fee.  Coulda had both done, at the same time, for $165 somewhere else. 
• Feeling my depression and anxiety reaching the point that I needed to go see the doctor to begin with.

The best: My daughter coming home from the group home and getting and keeping a job since then.  It's not all rosy - having an 18-year-old with no driver's license who wants to be on her own but isn't quite ready and who knows how to push all my buttons is challenging - but the group home experience made a huge difference in her life and ours.

Runners-up:

• My two oldest daughters graduating high school. 
• Finding a best friend I can talk to about anything.  She's a little crazy, and sometimes I feel like I have another child, but she is always there for me.
• Watching my youngest grow as a cheerleader and make new friends.  Sometimes she hated it, but most of the time she loved it and we both made friends through her involvement.  
• My son finally pulling out of his funk (albeit it having to move to his mom's to do it) and getting his grades back on track.
• Spending Thanksgiving with my mom in Idaho - seeing her new house, checking out the falls, and just spending more than a few hours together.
• Getting involved in Burlesque and performing three times.
• Being dubbed the "Starbucks Fairy" at the office and getting my own gold Starbucks card complete with my name printed on it. (The two have nothing to do with each other.)
• Finding Mushroom Printing and Band Back Together.  Two fabulous sites that let you be the writer or support those who do write by leaving comments or both.  Also found Mommy Wants Vodka and TheBloggess and many other great blogs. Most of which make me doubt my own ability to be a blog author because they are so well done.
• Finding a chiropractor who genuinely cares about his patients' health.
• My husband getting a much deserved promotion.
• American Horror Story.
• Underarm waxing. Painful but worth it.
• Milo's gyros.  

I could eat one of these almost everyday.

So there you have it.  Not too exciting, I know.  2012 is scheduled to bring an iPhone 4s; a 6-day,5-night all-inclusive trip to Los Cabos; a new tooth for my husband; my husband's first ever trip to Vegas - a guys trip for his 40th birthday; and Disneyland for a cheer competition. All before April. Something entertaining and blog-worthy is sure to come out of this!

What were your good, bad, and ugly moments of 2011 and what are you looking forward to in 2012?