Just Get Over It said the Moron

My last post came after a day that comes a little too frequently, but at least not nearly as often as it did in the past. It was me trying to explain how I sometimes can't function. It was me, nicely, trying to point out to people that I have a disorder and not just an attitude problem. But today I don't feel so nice. I basically just want to say a big "FUCK OFF" to those people who don't get it but seem to think they do.

It's okay that many of you don't get it - you have no idea what it feels like to have your brain and emotions not work "normally". I'm seriously happy that you don't deal with this shit. I appreciate those who say, "I don't get it, Inelegant. I don't know what bipolar disorder or depression o even sever anxiety are like. I wish I could help you."  But I am really fed up with people who tell me to snap out of it. People who tell me to just say some affirmations each morning. People who feel the need to remind me of what I have in my life to be grateful for and tell me I just need to be more grateful. People who tell me I focus too much on myself and that's why I have these days.

People! I suffer from bipolar disorder and social anxiety. As much as I would love for this to be "just an excuse" that I use to try to get away with things in life, it's just not that simple. I do not want to wake up in the morning feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed. Or so tired even rolling over in bed takes too much energy. I don't want to use every ounce of energy I have that day just trying to seem like a normal person and get through a normal day without freaking out or crying. I'm tired of feeling angry when I should be sad. Or sad when I should be angry. Or angry and/or sad when I should be happy. I rarely feel actual excitement - I usually just say I'm excited because it's what is expected. I don't want to look at people I care about and think, "I hate you! Get away from me!" or "You're such a freaking moron? Do you ever actually use your brain?" And then the energy to keep those thoughts from exploding from my mouth? Because I know they aren't real. I know they'll pass and I'll be so glad I didn't let it out!

Fortunately, I mostly feel better these days. If I sleep well, eat regularly, do at least moderate exercise, and take my medications I can keep these "episodes" to a minimum. But I can tell you that I do say affirmations and I am grateful, and that isn't enough to battle this disorder.

I've led a pretty good life. I get that. Even my illness isn't as bad as many others have it. While it may take all the energy I have to function some days, I still am able to do it most of the time.  I sit behind a computer all day. I don't have to wax people's private parts, stick my hands in mouths, touch people's feet, or wipe butts for my living (kudos to those of you who do these things regularly - I just couldn't do it). I haven't lost anyone really close to me. I wanted children and had no problems having them. I've never been abused in any way. I don't have disabled children. When I talk to people who deal with hardship, I don't get it. I haven't dealt with it before. But I sure as hell won't tell them to buck up, or it's not as bad as they think, or they should be grateful for what they do have... I'll tell them I'm sorry, that I don't know what it's like but that I do want to help in any way I can, even if it's just listening or running an errand or sitting there quietly holding their hand.

And that's what I have to say about THAT!

Being Bipolar Sucks Big Hairy Balls

I think the title pretty much sums up how I feel about being affected by this disorder. Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder for me is like living life on a constant roller coaster. I love roller coasters, don't get me wrong, but never being able to get off the ride would seriously diminish my enjoyment!

Sometimes I go through phases where I think the diagnosis was wrong. What I really have is severe social anxiety and depression. This is easy to believe for awhile because my depressive episodes have been much more frequent and severe than my manic ones. It gives me an excuse to insist that I can take an anti-depressant alone.

Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bipolar but Were Too Freaked Out to Ask is a great book, a fairly easy read, for those suffering and for their loved ones. One of the things the the author talks about is our tendency to believe we aren't bipolar and then go off meds. 

Last week was a low point in my life, although I didn't think so at the time. I was energetic and ready to take on new things and meet new people. I wasn't sleeping.  Classic symptom, right? On my own and out-of-town, I drank too much and quickly spiraled out of control.  If this blog were anonymous, I'd share more details. Because I honestly believe that sharing details can help others who have also suffered.   But this blog isn't anonymous and there are those who would use it against me in a variety of ways, and it could also hurt others. So we'll have to suffice it to say that the week ended with me being embarrassed and ashamed and realizing that along with being bipolar I suffer from an addiction that I can't control on my own right now.  I realized that I have no clue how to set boundaries or have healthy relationships. I also managed to hurt someone very deeply and not for the first time. I also hurt a new friend and I'm sorry she had to see that very unattractive side of me. 

So from here I'm moving forward and making some changes. Establishing bottom lines in relation to addiction. Attending meetings, seeing my counselor, going back to my psychiatrist. Simplifying my life a bit and saying "goodbye" to some and "I hope you'll be around when I'm healthy but I don't expect you to wait for that" to others. Many of the relationships I have in my life right now are unhealthy and lack boundaries. There are those in my life I love but I know I can't be with - maybe just temporarily or maybe more permanently. I need to distinguish between love, dependency and addiction to people.

There's so little about me that I like right now. I need to fix that so I can truly love and like others. Some of my readers know I've said similar things in the past but didn't actually make the changes. I've started the changes already, and it's so very hard to stay strong and do what I know in my heart and in my head are the right steps even though they may cause some even more pain in the short term. I hope that my friends will help hold me accountable. Because one of my major problems is that I surround myself with people who help justify my poor decisions and actions.  Wanna help be my accountability partners? Give me your contact information and I'll let you know how you can help.  Let me know why you want to help.

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding & Helping Your Partner, another book I found very helpful. This is one I think needs to be revisited every few years. It helps identify triggers.

Be sure to check out Band Back Together for more resources and to read the stories of others (or share your own story).

Thank you to the many of you who have offered me positive comments and support!