Just Get Over It said the Moron

My last post came after a day that comes a little too frequently, but at least not nearly as often as it did in the past. It was me trying to explain how I sometimes can't function. It was me, nicely, trying to point out to people that I have a disorder and not just an attitude problem. But today I don't feel so nice. I basically just want to say a big "FUCK OFF" to those people who don't get it but seem to think they do.

It's okay that many of you don't get it - you have no idea what it feels like to have your brain and emotions not work "normally". I'm seriously happy that you don't deal with this shit. I appreciate those who say, "I don't get it, Inelegant. I don't know what bipolar disorder or depression o even sever anxiety are like. I wish I could help you."  But I am really fed up with people who tell me to snap out of it. People who tell me to just say some affirmations each morning. People who feel the need to remind me of what I have in my life to be grateful for and tell me I just need to be more grateful. People who tell me I focus too much on myself and that's why I have these days.

People! I suffer from bipolar disorder and social anxiety. As much as I would love for this to be "just an excuse" that I use to try to get away with things in life, it's just not that simple. I do not want to wake up in the morning feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed. Or so tired even rolling over in bed takes too much energy. I don't want to use every ounce of energy I have that day just trying to seem like a normal person and get through a normal day without freaking out or crying. I'm tired of feeling angry when I should be sad. Or sad when I should be angry. Or angry and/or sad when I should be happy. I rarely feel actual excitement - I usually just say I'm excited because it's what is expected. I don't want to look at people I care about and think, "I hate you! Get away from me!" or "You're such a freaking moron? Do you ever actually use your brain?" And then the energy to keep those thoughts from exploding from my mouth? Because I know they aren't real. I know they'll pass and I'll be so glad I didn't let it out!

Fortunately, I mostly feel better these days. If I sleep well, eat regularly, do at least moderate exercise, and take my medications I can keep these "episodes" to a minimum. But I can tell you that I do say affirmations and I am grateful, and that isn't enough to battle this disorder.

I've led a pretty good life. I get that. Even my illness isn't as bad as many others have it. While it may take all the energy I have to function some days, I still am able to do it most of the time.  I sit behind a computer all day. I don't have to wax people's private parts, stick my hands in mouths, touch people's feet, or wipe butts for my living (kudos to those of you who do these things regularly - I just couldn't do it). I haven't lost anyone really close to me. I wanted children and had no problems having them. I've never been abused in any way. I don't have disabled children. When I talk to people who deal with hardship, I don't get it. I haven't dealt with it before. But I sure as hell won't tell them to buck up, or it's not as bad as they think, or they should be grateful for what they do have... I'll tell them I'm sorry, that I don't know what it's like but that I do want to help in any way I can, even if it's just listening or running an errand or sitting there quietly holding their hand.

And that's what I have to say about THAT!

Being Bipolar Sucks Big Hairy Balls

I think the title pretty much sums up how I feel about being affected by this disorder. Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder for me is like living life on a constant roller coaster. I love roller coasters, don't get me wrong, but never being able to get off the ride would seriously diminish my enjoyment!

Sometimes I go through phases where I think the diagnosis was wrong. What I really have is severe social anxiety and depression. This is easy to believe for awhile because my depressive episodes have been much more frequent and severe than my manic ones. It gives me an excuse to insist that I can take an anti-depressant alone.

Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bipolar but Were Too Freaked Out to Ask is a great book, a fairly easy read, for those suffering and for their loved ones. One of the things the the author talks about is our tendency to believe we aren't bipolar and then go off meds. 

Last week was a low point in my life, although I didn't think so at the time. I was energetic and ready to take on new things and meet new people. I wasn't sleeping.  Classic symptom, right? On my own and out-of-town, I drank too much and quickly spiraled out of control.  If this blog were anonymous, I'd share more details. Because I honestly believe that sharing details can help others who have also suffered.   But this blog isn't anonymous and there are those who would use it against me in a variety of ways, and it could also hurt others. So we'll have to suffice it to say that the week ended with me being embarrassed and ashamed and realizing that along with being bipolar I suffer from an addiction that I can't control on my own right now.  I realized that I have no clue how to set boundaries or have healthy relationships. I also managed to hurt someone very deeply and not for the first time. I also hurt a new friend and I'm sorry she had to see that very unattractive side of me. 

So from here I'm moving forward and making some changes. Establishing bottom lines in relation to addiction. Attending meetings, seeing my counselor, going back to my psychiatrist. Simplifying my life a bit and saying "goodbye" to some and "I hope you'll be around when I'm healthy but I don't expect you to wait for that" to others. Many of the relationships I have in my life right now are unhealthy and lack boundaries. There are those in my life I love but I know I can't be with - maybe just temporarily or maybe more permanently. I need to distinguish between love, dependency and addiction to people.

There's so little about me that I like right now. I need to fix that so I can truly love and like others. Some of my readers know I've said similar things in the past but didn't actually make the changes. I've started the changes already, and it's so very hard to stay strong and do what I know in my heart and in my head are the right steps even though they may cause some even more pain in the short term. I hope that my friends will help hold me accountable. Because one of my major problems is that I surround myself with people who help justify my poor decisions and actions.  Wanna help be my accountability partners? Give me your contact information and I'll let you know how you can help.  Let me know why you want to help.

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding & Helping Your Partner, another book I found very helpful. This is one I think needs to be revisited every few years. It helps identify triggers.

Be sure to check out Band Back Together for more resources and to read the stories of others (or share your own story).

Thank you to the many of you who have offered me positive comments and support!

Best Friend or Frenemy?

I originally wrote this as a piece for another site, but they wanted me to change it and make it more mom focused. I decided I didn't want to, so I'm posting it here. Where I can just be me. I may not get as much exposure or as  many comments, but that's okay.

Me and my high school best friend, Marcy, in the summer of 1992. The summer after high school graduation.
 We lost touch when I moved to Germany and I have no idea where she is now.

I've never been very good at making friends. I'm shy and self-conscious (in person, so all my Twitter followers and Facebook friends just hush right on up now), which leads people to think I'm stuck up.  In school I was on the lower end of the socioeconomic scale and some years my best clothes were hand-me-downs from a friend.  (Wouldn't you know, from someone I thought was my best friend who turned on me and helped make the next three years of my life a living hell.  But I'm not bitter. Nope, not me.)  My glasses were horrible and my haircuts mostly hideous. I was a nerdy, out-of-style kid who really had no idea how to get through school without being picked on. These days, I'm still nerdy and not particularly fashionable. I'm also intense and moody. I can be dramatic, crazy, witchy, and sometimes say things I don't really mean. Frankly, it can be hard to be my friend: bipolar and anxiety don't make for fun friendships at times.  But I admit when I'm wrong, I apologize for what I've said/done, and I try to be there for my friends. Add to this my busy life as a work-outside-the-home mom of four, and friendship is that much more difficult to maintain.

Recent events in my life have me thinking about how to define "best friend". I asked around to see what others think and got some interesting responses from my Twitter friends and a few others:

• Someone who'll hold your hair back while you vomit, then tell you to use better conditioner. (@Anchorbeard)
• Someone who is there day or night, time passes you pick up where you left off, doesn't expect anything just knows your there, knows every secret and never judges! (@TGalletti)
• Someone who you can call and always hangout with- also likes sports and the same video games. (@amzmomrocks' 12 year old son)
• BF= supportive no matter what, BUT will always give honest opinions & advice. Never tell your business. (@MrsMiscellanea)
• Someone who tells you that your deodorant is not doing its job but still rides to work with you. (@6todd2)
• TRUST! And it takes time to develop. In my life best friends evolved over time. (@foxbat16)
• A best friend is someone who gets you and loves your weirdness or neurotic behavior. (@kel3054)
• As adults, I believe a best friend is more like family. Someone we choose, someone we love and will always be there for. Someone we love unconditionaly and do not judge, but can be honest with all the time, even if it's a difficult subject. Someone we can trust with our secrets and who has our best interest in mind. A person who will not stop being a friends just because you have done something they don't like, or you have offended them, someone we can easily forgive. I also think its important for us to have mulitple best friends, who meet different needs in our lives. (My best friend, Angie)
• Someone you can trust. Someone who doesn't have to pretend around you. (My 19 yo daughter.)

Angie, me, and Amy in May 2010.

I have two very best girlfriends. Amy and I have been friends since our elementary days in Arizona. She stuck with me through bullying that was so bad I tried to slit my wrists to avoid having to go to school. She stuck with me through awful rumors that had no basis in truth. She stuck with me through my first heart break and the resulting downward spiral into a wild lack of self-control. We mostly keep in touch through Facebook and text. We haven't seen each other in years and rarely talk on the phone (this is totally my fault - as most of my friends know I hate the phone and even have a slight phone phobia).

The other is Angie. Angie and I met as co-workers about 13 years ago. I was a single mom, going through a manic phase. Two very different women, I'm not sure how it is we managed to become so close. She was my Maid of Honor when I got remarried.  I lived in a studio in her back yard two of the times I left my husband (welcome to the world of bipolar disorder) and one of those times I was pretty much out of control.  We've been friends through her divorce and my move. I've hurt her feelings and she's hurt mine. We don't talk nearly as much as we used to and see each other maybe once every few months.

Angie and me, March 2011

These two women have seen me at my worst. They've known me at my best. They haven't always agreed with me and at times probably didn't even like me, but they always love me.  They never judge me. They never turn their backs on me. I know I can call them anytime, that I could show up on their doorstep at two in the morning and they'd take me in, no questions asked.  I can text them when I'm angry and go off for 1/2 an hour and they won't tell me I'm too hard to be friends with. They won't ask me questions about my life and then when I tell them the answers, judge me for what I've said. They won't send me messages going off on me and then when I try to respond tell me they can't talk to me about it anymore. They call me on my crap, tell me I know what I'm doing/saying is wrong, tell me they don't agree with me, point out that maybe I need to see my psychiatrist for a medication adjustment - but they don't abandon me. They listen to me rant about my kids and significant other and they rant about theirs. They remind me no mom or wife is perfect and I'm not a total failure at either.

And that's how I define a best friend.

Also, here are a few resources (I didn't put a lot of research into them, but I think they're interesting and maybe helpful):

How to help a friend who suffers from bipolar disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Taking Off the Muzzle

This post may ramble, be boring, and just plain not make sense. But I've told myself I will write something and post it - no matter how many self doubts creep in. I won't reread it for two days wondering if it's good enough or if I've offended someone.

I was excited to start writing again after many years of muzzling that part of myself.  I thought I had some good ideas.  I read several blogs and thought, "I can do this. I know I can."  And I wrote a handful of posts. And then nothing.

Part of the problem is that I originally intended this to be an anonymous blog - some place I could finally write out my pain, my frustration, my sadness, my joys, my thoughts without being judged and worrying about putting the people I know on the defensive.  But then I shared it with a few close friends, and a few more friends, and now I'm afraid to write.  I think that before I can be the creative writer I wish to be, I need to get out everything I've been holding in for so long.

I am not a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, look-on-the-bright-side kind of person.  I've been condemned for that repeatedly.  While I do try not to always be the pessimistic bitch that I can be, I don't hesitate to share the bad day stories along with the great day stories.    I don't want my friends to only ever tell me the good in their lives - because that's not reality. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes we need to let it out!

What will you find out about me if you continue reading my blog in the future?  I suffer from depression and often go to bed praying I won't wake up in the morning. I hate being a parent but love my children. I'm certain that people don't think of me often but when they do it's negative.  I'm bored easily. I love to dance but am not good at playing.  I need time to myself like a fish needs water - I start to slowly (or not so slowly) go crazy if I haven't had quiet alone time.  My social anxiety often results in people thinking I'm snobbish or overly quiet. Or they think I'm a drunk who never shuts up - because I tend to drink too much in an effort to overcome said social anxiety. I enjoy being wanted but feel suffocated when needed.  My noise sensitivity could cause sharp pointy objects to fly through my office at some point soon and often results in me snapping at my kids.  I'm almost never actually "sick" by most people's definition when I call in sick - I've usually crashed into a wall of fatigue and my body feels so heavy that rolling over in bed is too much effort and my legs ache as if I've walked miles and miles.  I will do anything I can to help you and be there for you, even if we don't like each other. I love to read and my ideal vacation is simply sitting in a tropical place near a pool or ocean reading a book. You will see all of these things in my posts. They won't always be happy or funny.  They won't be full of wonderful.  They'll just be me.  So if you've come here from my Facebook page and don't appreciate the things I post there, then you most definitely don't want to read what I'll write here and absolutely you must stay away from following me on Twitter!  Twitter is where I filter myself the least.  But if you want to read more about how the Real Housewives of Placer County are driving me batty, or how I think maybe I'm becoming one of them, or what my kids did that made my head spin around, or my latest Burlesque experience, or the random bizarre thoughts that went through my mind today, or how hurt I am by something, or one of a bazillion stories that show what a  shitty parent I am - then please come back and read and comment.

Imagine this 20-some years later--that would be me some days.