And the wall came tumbling down

I was irritated with something my husband had done. As usual. I seem to live in a semi-permanent state of irritation; it's something I'm working on with medication changes and better nutrition. I don't remember why I was irritated. Probably something silly.

Grumbling to myself as he opened the car door, I saw the sun glint off his wedding band. A simple rose gold band. And in that moment, I realized how much I love this man and that I don't want to know what life is like without him.

It probably sounds odd. I married the man, though, so I must love him, right? Well, yes.  But I'm not good at intimacy or commitment or sticking things out when things are tough. So every time something goes wrong or we argue (especially about kids), I'm ready to leave. I'd often think, "If he told me he was leaving me, it would be such a relief." Because then it wouldn't be ME leaving. It wouldn't be ME giving up. Again.

That day, the sunlight hitting his ring shattered a wall within me. This man loves me. He's proud to have me as his wife. He is so incredibly happy to wear that wedding band. He doesn't wear it for me. He wears it because of what it means to him and because he wants everyone to know he's a married man. He never threatens to leave. He never uses my constant sense of guilt to get me to do things he wants. He doesn't use my depression as a sword to cut me down. He reminds me of the good things about myself, tells me that I've made his and the kids' lives better, and is forever patient with me. He's the first person I want to share news with: good or bad. 

He drives me crazy. If he replies to my texts or posts with "Hodor" or "Hold the Door" one more time, he may very well end up on the couch for the night. He's a pun lover. We rarely agree on expectations or consequences for the kids. He's constantly trying to convince me to sing karaoke, despite my awful voice. 

But he's my husband. I'm proud of him. I love him. 

Be Jealous

I'm tired. I want to cry because my shoulder aches. My feet are throbbing. My back is strained. And I started to feel a little sorry for myself. I was also feeling a little jealous of others.  Today I heard or read about the following things:

• A friend's three week trip to Honduras.
• A friend's 10 day meditation retreat along with an upcoming three week trip to France.
• A friend's upcoming trip to India. 
• A friend's shopping spree. 
• A friend's great birthday & all the gifts she either bought herself or received from others.
• A friend who doesn't have to work full-time while going to college.
• A friend who gets to be home with her kids after school.
• A friend who just returned from a fabulous girls weekend. 

So, yah - feeling a little envious. Not that I want to take a three week trip to another country - that's not really my thing. Mostly I'd just like to have the time AND the money to take three weeks off work and do something relaxing and fun. And I'd love to go shopping for some fun stuff - my wardrobe is lacking in clothes that fit well, aren't stained or ripped or just out dated, my bedroom walls are bare, etc. I worked full-time and raised kids while going to college. 

But then I stopped to think about the other things I heard or read today. A relationship is ending & the person is devastated. A friend is raising an autistic son pretty much completely alone while working a full-time job. Someone's family member has cancer.Someone is ill. Someone is having to make a choice between paying bills and taking their child to the doctor. Someone desperately wants kids but is realizing it's probably not going to happen for her.

And I realized that some people are, and maybe other people should be, jealous of me because...

• I'm exhausted and achy because I filled in a shift at the coffee house. Two out of three of the volunteers bailed on their commitment for one reason or another. I'm tired because I got to be of service and help raise funds to end sex trafficking. What better reason is there to be tired than that of helping others? And how fortunate am I to be able to give my time?
• I'm broke partly because I splurged a little this paycheck. I bought Hellion a birthday present (which resulted in a present for me as well - since buying two was a MUCH better deal than buying one). And I rented a jacuzzi suite for a nice relaxing night last weekend. I also donated to two different groups and watched a homeless man's face light up when I stopped traffic at the stop light to give him a few dollars.  I'm broke because my bills are paid and I have groceries and gas. At least I could cover my necessities without having to make a choice between paying my electric bill and taking my child to the doctor.
• I was surprised last weekend with an amazing day of wine tasting in Napa Valley. The weather was perfect and I had a wonderful time.
• Other people say they don't have time for things, but they can't really tell you why that is. I can tell you. I don't have time for much because I volunteer two nights a week and am working on a certain kind of  recovery in my life. I take notes, provide refreshments and serve as a representative for a meeting I attend. I work a full-time job. I spend time with my youngest. And occasionally I sleep. Less occasionally I work out.
• I reached out to others today to remind them that they're beautiful and that they aren't alone. For a few it was just what they needed right when they needed it most.
• Others reached out to me today, listened to me, hugged me, and reminded me that I am beautiful and strong and not alone.
• My kids are healthy and happy. They may make me question my sanity at times, but I am so blessed to have them in my life. 
• I have so many people in my life who love me for who I am, accept me flaws and all, and who forgive me my many mistakes. 

I am a blessed being. And my biggest hope for my life is that I am somehow a blessing to someone every single day of my life. 

One last thing? It's WAY past my bedtime, so excuse the run on sentences, poor grammar, and lack of photos to break things up. Good night, my lovelies, good night.