And the wall came tumbling down

I was irritated with something my husband had done. As usual. I seem to live in a semi-permanent state of irritation; it's something I'm working on with medication changes and better nutrition. I don't remember why I was irritated. Probably something silly.

Grumbling to myself as he opened the car door, I saw the sun glint off his wedding band. A simple rose gold band. And in that moment, I realized how much I love this man and that I don't want to know what life is like without him.

It probably sounds odd. I married the man, though, so I must love him, right? Well, yes.  But I'm not good at intimacy or commitment or sticking things out when things are tough. So every time something goes wrong or we argue (especially about kids), I'm ready to leave. I'd often think, "If he told me he was leaving me, it would be such a relief." Because then it wouldn't be ME leaving. It wouldn't be ME giving up. Again.

That day, the sunlight hitting his ring shattered a wall within me. This man loves me. He's proud to have me as his wife. He is so incredibly happy to wear that wedding band. He doesn't wear it for me. He wears it because of what it means to him and because he wants everyone to know he's a married man. He never threatens to leave. He never uses my constant sense of guilt to get me to do things he wants. He doesn't use my depression as a sword to cut me down. He reminds me of the good things about myself, tells me that I've made his and the kids' lives better, and is forever patient with me. He's the first person I want to share news with: good or bad. 

He drives me crazy. If he replies to my texts or posts with "Hodor" or "Hold the Door" one more time, he may very well end up on the couch for the night. He's a pun lover. We rarely agree on expectations or consequences for the kids. He's constantly trying to convince me to sing karaoke, despite my awful voice. 

But he's my husband. I'm proud of him. I love him. 

What is Dating?

I’ve spent most of the last 22 years of my life married. I got married at 17 (no, I was not pregnant) and we split up for good when I was 25. I was single for a year before moving in with the man who became my second husband. We were together 12 years. This month was our 11^th anniversary, since we’re still married. We separated in the summer of 2012.

I was back in the dating game at 38. Scary! But what IS dating? 

Truth Hurts on Yahoo! Answers :“It's like this, dating is supposed to be where you are getting to know someone and deciding if you guys are compatible but are free to date other people.” 

I decided that I was going to date more than one person at a time. I told men I didn’t want serious but I didn’t want to just be a booty call either. Since May I’ve gone through weeks of only dating one person and weeks where I had several dates with different people. (Dating doesn’t necessarily mean sleeping with, by the way. I don’t actually sleep with every person I date, contrary to what some people believe.) For the most part, I told the men that I was dating others. (Okay there was one I didn’t explicitly say this to, but I thought he knew.) My thinking was that until you have the talk about being exclusive, all’s fair.

Many people don’t agree with this philosophy. It seems quite a few people believe you should only date one person.  I’ve been told that I’m what’s wrong with society today. Ironically that came from a married woman who online went on and on about the importance of monogamy and being faithful, but who was pretty much throwing herself at a guy I was dating. Go figure.

One of my problems is that I tend to really, really like people at first. It’s all fun and new. I spend a lot of time with them. I miss them, I can’t wait to hear from them. And then suddenly, I’m not so into them anymore. I’m ready to move on. I warn men about this up front. It’s not a challenge. It’s a tip that if they’re looking for love or long term commitment, they should keep looking. I’m not saying this is a GOOD thing. It’s really not. I’m working on it.

And now? Well, I’ve found someone I’m still into after three months of talking, two months of dating. Someone I’m comfortable with, someone who is ready to have the exclusive talk, someone who is always my first choice, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, someone who causes my roommate to say things like, "You have that falling in love look on your face!" after a weekend camping trip. Am I ready to leave behind dating and move into the realm of exclusive relationship? Am I ready to say, “This is my boyfriend”? Am I ready to believe someone will love who I am and that I deserve this happiness, am I ready for commitment? Stay tuned…

P.S. Know how I always said I don't believe in soulmates? I changed my mind thanks to Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside. Read his post Will You be my Soulmate? It's great!