Words Can Break a Spirit

What do you do when you're awake at 1:30 am, then still awake at 2:30 am? Apparently you read through old shit you should have deleted long ago. You feel that pain all over again. Your finger hovers over the delete button but you don't quite bring yourself to press it. That document of over 1000 horrible text messages? You KNOW it's time to let go of it, but you just can't seem to do it. Partly because you think maybe you NEED to keep it, maybe that reminder is good when you start glossing over the bad and forgetting. Maybe sometimes you shouldn't forget.

Words hurt. They may not break bones, but they may well break a spirit. Actions hurt. Words and actions combined? Wow, that'll really knock you for a loop. I try to be a good person. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I'm selfish beyond belief. Sometimes I can't move beyond my own pain or fear to be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. Sometimes I hurt people. I carry the guilt around with me after hurting someone. It never really goes away. My first husband and I have been apart since the summer of 1999. I still feel guilty and sad for things I did that hurt him. Was he totally innocent? Of course not, but that doesn't excuse my part in it!

But back to words hurt. Those bitch ass words are hard to forget. They'll replay in my head at the most inopportune times. Doesn't matter how many times I've been told I'm beautiful or that I'm a good person. Here are the things I hear instead,

About me:
"She thinks she's so hot in her librarian dresses." Yep, pretty much think of that every time I put on a dress.
"...practicing her burlesque routine...want me to record her tired ass body for you working it?" Dancing hasn't been the same for me since.

To me:
"Nobody in this county has any use for you."
"You look like a drowned rat. Who would want to date you?"
"You don't do shit for your kids."
"You should never have been allowed to have kids. That's how bad of a mom you are."
"She's 100x the woman you'll ever be."

Well, that doesn't sound so bad, I guess. But the other words? The words that are too awful for even my unfilteredness? They're nasty and downright cruel. And they go through my head far too often.

I guess what I can say about myself is that I never pretended to be someone's friend and tried to get them to talk bad about someone so I could run off and tell them. I never made up flat out lies to get someone else to like me and want me and to not like or want someone else. Even when someone has hurt me or pissed me off, I'll point out and remember what's good about them. "Oh her? The one who pretended to be my friend while talking shit about me and sending nasty sexual messages to my husband? The one who made up lies and told my husband I said them? But remember when she sent me balloons and flowers for my birthday?" Okay, maybe that's a bad example.

But what this post is really about, is a reminder to myself that words hurt. To be kind, even if I think the other person will never read or hear it. It's a reminder that even if I'm angry and hurting, I need to think about what I'm saying because that person may remember those words a year or ten or even 25 years later.

This post may not stay up long. That happens when I post in the wee hours of the morning after bad dreams, with my heart hurting and my mind replaying all those hurtful words. I post things that maybe I shouldn't.

He's an Alpha Male

In the past I’ve known a few guys who referred to themselves as alpha males.  Those guys were passive-aggressive, or just plain aggressive, pushy, bossy, often sexist men. So last December/January, when a new guy friend described himself as an alpha male, my hackles rose a bit. Then a bunch of crap happened in my life, we stopped talking for awhile, and I didn’t get the chance to really get to know him.

We recently reconnected and this got me thinking again about the term “alpha male”. Because this guy, well he didn’t fit my perception of what it meant. I decided to Google it. And I discovered that what I thought were alpha male behaviors were clear signs that the jerks of my past WEREN’T alpha males.

My truthful Tuesday FB post from 10/8/2013.
I've decided how I feel about the alpha male, obviously.

What are those signs? Top 10 Signs You’re Not an Alpha Male point them out, but getting through all 10 is a pain. The videos are total overkill. I’m a reader. I want to read a list.  If you enjoy videos or have more patience than I do, go check it out.

Then there’s this post: 25 Characteristics of an Alpha Male. This is long, but you don’t have to go through 10 different screens to get through it.

I can definitely say now that I’m attracted to and turned on by alpha males. I appreciate their can-do attitudes, their follow through, their confidence, their humility, their protective nature, their generosity, and their assertiveness. That stubbornness can be irritating, but hey, who’s perfect?

All I Want for Christmas

I got online to write about my horrible Saturday morning. Truly one of the saddest, loneliest experiences of my life. But I can't write about it yet. Then I thought I'd write about changing my ignition coil MYSELF but wasn't feeling that either. So I decided to start early on this year's Christmas (my least favorite holiday) wishlist.

Last year my wish list included going to Hawaii, having Lasik surgery, and getting a boob job. I did go to Hawaii and part of it was paid. I got the sleigh bed frame from that list. And I had lots of red wine over the 10 months. It also looks like I might get that stereo (with installation)!

One of about four pictures of me in Hawaii that isn't hideous.

I'm starting a little early with my daydreaming this year. All I want for Christmas is $5,800. I know, kind of random, right? Like why not $6,000 or $10,000? Because I did something I tried not to do. I caved and borrowed money from a friend to get through a rough time. Until I can pay that off, it's going to weigh on my mind every single day. Now don't be getting all pissy thinking said friend is hounding me about it or making me feel bad in any way. Not a word has been said. But it's eating away at me. Part of my problem is I didn't use it fully as intended - something else came up. A LOT has come up in the last 12 months. Sometimes I've been selfish and spent money I really couldn't afford and shouldn't have (trip to Hawaii anyone? new dress perhaps?) and sometimes it was things caused by others. But the fact is, I can't stand to owe anyone anything. Not a favor, a cup of sugar, and definitely not money.

I did consider trying to start my own business as an escort. But I'm a little old. Plus I have this thing about not breaking the law. And so on. Then I considered a second job. Now? Basically if wishing for it doesn't work (remember, that old saying? Wish in one hand...), the next plan is to buckle down on a tight budget and get shit paid off.

Now if someone wanted to throw in some stocking stuffers, I might suggest the following:

• Red wine. Old vine zin and merlots tend to be my favorites.
• Fuzzy socks. I can never have too many of these in the winter.
• Pitch Perfect on blu-ray or DVD. I'm not picky.
• Gift cards for waxing services. Have you not heard my rants about shaving vs Brazilian waxing and the fact that the after effects of shaving MUST BE what it's like to have crabs (which I've never had, thank gawd, so I don't know for sure). Horrible itching. Horrible.
• Such a Flirt body wash, lotion and body spray from Victoria's Secret. I've run out. If the bronzing lotion exists somewhere THAT would be really fabulous. (Last year I posted this on Twitter as Suck a Flirt, thanks to my phone. There is a VAST difference...)

Apparently the bronzing lotion that was my favorite part of this is impossible to get anymore. But I still love the rest.

P.S. I just remembered that all I wanted for Christmas in 4th grade was my four front teeth. No shit. They came in during fourth or fifth grade, finally, and then I had to go through speech therapy. Four or so years with no top front teeth gives a slight speech impediment.

P.P.S. No, those missing teeth had nothing to do with me saying things like "nekkid" and "wrastling" and calling soda "pop" when I moved to Cali my junior year. Thanks for remembering that, by the way.

NOW do you see why my blog is titled using words synonymous for random and awkward?!

Remembering, Part Two - Happy Memories

My last post may have made it sound like I had a bad childhood. I really didn't. I never doubted that I was loved. I wasn't abused or molested as so many people seem to have been. I was just a nerdy, not-so-rich kid who was easy to pick on and maybe didn't have much in the way of role models.  Today, I remember the happy and funny times.

I remember running down the street screaming my head off because my bratty cousins liked to chase me with crawdads, sometimes even throwing them in my hair. Funny now if not then. Fishing for crawdads in the canal...

I remember summers riding in the back of the '78 Dodge Ram my dad bought brand new and still has - it's his baby to this day. Four wheeling at the river, dad helping pull people out when they got stuck, mud bogging trips, tubing the river
and the drive-ins.

Brownie, my dad's baby. The kids and grandkids are still fighting over who gets it...

I remember times spent with my best friend, Amy. She stuck by me through it all. She took me to my first concerts. We listened to Leslie Gore, watched One Life to Live, dated together. She was there through heart breaks and lost virginity.I'm so grateful she is still my best friend.

Amy and me, 20 years later.

I remember sitting under the senior tree as a sophomore - feeling so cool because I was dating a senior - and a bird shit on my head. Again, funnier now than it was then.

I remember finally standing up for myself and not getting my skinny, wimpy little ass totally kicked. Okay, I really only remember her swinging at me and then I blacked out. But I HEARD I stood up for myself pretty damn well!

I remember making the cheer squad during 8th grade and again my senior year.

I remember summers spent with my Bucko - although I'd stopped calling her that by then. Sneaking in late at night and crawling into bed with her, as if she didn't know. And summers spent borrowing my Aunt Katie's clothes and shoes for dates, toting my cousin Amanda where I could, blaring music, and cruising the exciting downtown Safford.

I remember my dad becoming a single dad to two teens and struggling to make ends meet so we wouldn't lose our house. Always making sure I had SOMETHING to drive. Not sure what to do with a teen daughter who got good grades and worked but who didn't always go to school or come home at night.

I remember Knotts Berry Farm with my mom, stepdad and little brothers. And trips to Fort Bragg.

I remember my mom and stepdad also making sure I had something to drive. Like the bug I managed to roll backwards out of the driveway and get to school but then I couldn't figure out how to get it in reverse after school so I could go home. The truck that I had to sit on the edge of the seat and push the clutch in with my tiptoes. My Pinto! Loved that ugly little car.

I remember a long road trip with Jamie to get my military ID and blowing the engine in my Pinto because the radiator ran out of water. We were stuck for hours in the middle of nowhere with just her Chevron card. Thank goodness we broke down near a Chevron! No cell phones or pagers to reach parents to come rescue us!

Jamie and I, 20 years later!

I remember taking my pet rat to the wrestling game to watch the guy I was madly in love with (and would later marry), and reaching over someone's head to hand the rat to a friend when it decided to piss.

There are so many more good memories than bad - I just need to recall them more often.

Remembering

Mostly I try not to remember. Why is it the bad is so much clearer than the good? But sometimes, sometimes all the memories rush in at once.

I remember starting school in 5th grade and being made fun of pretty much from day one. I was a straight-A, teacher's pet, nerdy little thing whose clothes were very different from everyone else. I also didn't know what a cherry was (climbing the slide ladder in a skirt and someone saying they could see my cherry).

I remember a horrible science camp trip in 6th grade. Too embarrassing to this day to even write about. And being in awe over a boy named Nick who I made a fool out of myself with more than once. That crush lasted until the summer I graduated high school.

I remember my best friend giving me her hand me downs because I hadn't had new clothes in two years. I didn't stain or rip or grow out of my clothes, so that meant few new clothes. That's kind of what I got for being such a prissy girly-girl. My favorite pair of jeans ever came from her. Gray with a zig zag pattern and zippers at the ankles. And being the cheerleader with the generic Keds from K-Mart instead of the real ones.

I remember my best friend turning on me for what I meant as an honest, not judging but warning comment, and then turning everyone else against me by saying I was talking shit about the popular girls. I remember trying to slit my wrists that year because I was so afraid to go to school.

I remember two years of being afraid to leave my house, walk between classes, go anywhere in public without adult supervision. I remember my head being banged against the bus window. Of being shoved, mocked, and chased.

I remember a boyfriend my freshman year inviting me to a dance just to break up with me in front of one of the bullies and then inform me he was going out with her instead.

I remember the boy who took my virginity making fun of me and giving me a complex I still have to do this day.

I remember my first and only fight, when I'd finally had enough after two years of total misery. And the school trying to expel me even though I'd been trying to get their help to make it stop. And that my life was slightly more peaceful after that day.

I remember my first true love breaking my heart and dumping me for someone with the same name but a different spelling. The wild binge I went on that summer to try to prove someone wanted me. And a crazy week together many, many years later that helped me see it was for the best we didn't stay together.

I remember my 21 year old "fiance" dumping 16 year old me at "our" New Year's Eve party to try to steal his friend's girlfriend away.  And trying to overdose on pills but only managed to pass out and feel like shit the next day.  I remember deciding I needed to finally get out of this town.

I remember going to a friend's apartment the summer I was 18. A guy friend I'd known for several years. A friend who said he always thought of me as a little sister since he was several years older than me. And being given drinks in a hot tub. And waking up to him having sex with me, me crying and asking him to stop, and him refusing. Him finishing and throwing me - still crying, bleeding, and feeling woozy - and my girlfriend out of the apartment. Of crying as I drove us both back home. Of feeling humiliated and ashamed.

I remember going out dancing with a friend just last summer and people making a point to come into the area my best friend and I were at to point and try to intimidate me. It was like high school again, except this time I wasn't afraid - I was just royally pissed off.

Tomorrow, or maybe even later today, I'll remember the good. Because there really is so much more of the good than the bad.