Missing...

I guess I started this post several months ago when Aaroneis started his blog, Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside, and wouldn't give me the address until I wrote my own post. But this one didn't get published and I stumbled upon it today and decided to go ahead with it.  All of the first paragraph is still pretty true. Although I'm finding that maybe I just hadn't met the right person yet. I'd found the ones who were almost right, so very close but just not quite. And I found some when I wasn't right or ready. Time will tell, I suppose. 

But the things I said I missed? I don't anymore. Okay, maybe Pajamagrams, but those suckers are stupid expensive and really there are better things to spend money on. It was so amazing to read through that list and realize there was nothing left to miss. 

I am an incredibly difficult person to be involved with. I'm moody. Almost always irritated. My interest fades QUICKLY.  I'm too open, too honest, too unfiltered. It's not a challenge when I tell someone to not fall for me, that I'll lose interest in a matter of weeks, that I'm never quite sure what it is I want and so I can be quite fickle.  That actually has nothing to do with this post. I just felt like I should say it.  Chacewater 2010 Merlot is contributing to making this an even more inelegant post than usual!

ANYHOW! I've been missing some things, and it's totally my own fault they aren't part of my life right now, but here they are...

I miss...

• That caress of my face, fingers brushing through my hair, and the light kiss on my forehead. 
• Being tucked into bed.
• Surprises at work. Pajamagrams. Flowers. A card. A call. A visit. Lunch.
• Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful when I wake up with  my hair sticking straight up, major morning breath, and the horror of me with no makeup!
• The simple texts like "I was watching you sleep this morning and am so glad you're mine" or "You're on my mind"
• Knowing someone wants me for more than my body, for more than sex.
• Having someone who supports me in my interests, but who will also tell me (kindly and productively) when I'm going off the deep end.
• Someone who I know I can tell everything to and not have it used against me later. 
• That feeling of security, stability, comfort in someone's arms. (These are good things, not boring things!)

Starting 2014 out with a road trip and two of my favorite men!

My next blog posts will likely be more serious. I stopped writing about kids, about parenting, for awhile. But people have asked me to write more. To share my own experiences, particularly the troubling times, because too many parents think they're alone. Too many parents don't realize there are others out there who screw up, who do things wrong, or who have children they were or are afraid to take in public, who had children who wound up in group homes or juvenile hall or at least seemed destined for that path...  More to come soon.

No more fairy tales

At 3 am my eyes popped open. This is unusual. My eyes rarely open fully before about 7 am. Even then I'm still stumbling around rubbing them and wondering how anyone is a morning person. I woke up thinking about someone I'm trying not to think about. Someone who, frankly, doesn't deserve any time in my thoughts at all anymore. Yet there he was. But there are no more tears, so I think that's good. And I miss him less and less.

Tonight's insomnia didn't come bearing gifts of motivation or creativity. No new blog posts came to mind. But I stumbled across this in my drafts from and decided to finish it up.

A friend wrote about regrets on his blog, (Giving Thanks for Not Having Regrets) which got me thinking.  I've tried to spend my life not having regrets. Just as he said, every decision and action brought me to where I'm at today. Getting married at 17 gave me the opportunity to live in Germany and have my beautiful daughter. It gave me happy years with my ex husband. I do regret the hurt I caused him, though. 

Being with my second husband gave me many happy years with my stepkids, gave me experiences I would have never had, gave me joy with a man who loved me. Again, my regret is pain I caused him, not leaving before the mistakes, not communicating my unhappiness but instead acting out.

I'll use Dutch Brothers Guy's own phrase here: I call bullshit.

But right now I do regret giving into the fairy tale idea of connections and love. I regret that I believed it when someone told me we had a connection and we shouldn't ignore it, that I made him happier than he'd been in years, that he wasn't going anywhere and that I shouldn't be afraid. Because as soon as I did, he disappeared. A few vague texts. Promises to call. And then just nothing. Not even the courtesy of a discussion in person. Not even ever officially saying it's over. And my heart hurt. And I do regret giving him that opportunity.

Maybe it's karma. I've hurt people with my inability to fully commit, with an addiction I gave up working on overcoming for awhile, with not being able to give them the forever I promised. But I feel like I tried. I didn't give up easily once I committed.

So I'm going back to not believing in the fairy tale. Maybe I'll do as my friend did: "I married the person who irritated me the least. I don't believe in the fairy tale."  Maybe if someone touches my heart deeply again, I'll run away fast. Maybe I'll keep that wall up and choose comfortable and safe in the long run. Or maybe I'll find the happy love story that's more realistic and longer lasting than the fairy tale. I suppose time will tell...

Anxious Insomniac

I have this image of myself banging my head against a window, slapping my hand against the window at the same time, saying "Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep". Which then gets me thinking about that old Mervyn's commercial with the women saying "Open, open, open." And the two have nothing to do with each other - so it's just more of my randomness.

I had somewhat of an anxiety attack today. I get them occasionally. Like the time at a quinceanera when I suddenly needed to get away. Or the time at a parade with no moral support around while dealing with a tough situation. Or the time I went to San Francisco to watch my date perform, my shoes made my feet bleed, I was super self-conscious and felt out of place (none of that really had to do with the other) and at dinner I suddenly had to leave, disappeared for most of dinner, and showed back up with slippers on. Or sometimes when I try to stay the night somewhere. Every now and then, it even happens at work.

Who me?
Photo from Flickr.

It's like being that kid who swears to mom and dad that she can handle the sleepover, and then they get the call at 1 am that she's crying and hysterical and needs to go home RIGHT NOW.  She's afraid and the only thing that will calm her is to be home. She can't tell  you exactly what she's afraid of, she just knows she won't be okay until she's home or somewhere like home. The worst is when even once she's home she still feels it, and so she pleads to climb into bed with mom and dad. And snuggled between them she can finally fall asleep. Except now there's no mom and dad, so she has to find something else (writing, reading, a bath, a pill) to get enough comfort to finally let go and sleep. When she wakes, she's mortified at the way she acted. She can't explain it. She knows it was ridiculous and not grounded in any kind of reality. But in the midst of it, it felt like something terrible was surely going to happen.

It starts out with difficulty breathing. I have to remind myself to do what we normally do without thought. "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out." If that doesn't help, then I start getting hot and itchy: the soles of my feet, my ankles, the back of my neck, my shoulders, my wrists. "Breathe, don't scratch, breathe, don't scratch." People start noticing I seem a little off. Am I just snobby? Am I not interested? I'm trying to stay with them, keep smiling and interacting. Or when it's happened trying to stay with someone over night, I try not to toss and turn, try not to wake them. Or if I'm not really interacting, I might be texting a friend who is trying to help me long distance to maintain my composure. Which makes me look even more disinterested and snobby.

Me, before the anxiety came riding in today.

If I still haven't managed to calm down, my stomach gets upset. "Breathe, don't scratch, you aren't going to throw up. Breathe, don't scratch, you aren't going to throw up." And if I'm STILL not calming down and getting control of myself, my eyes start to water and it's time to bail. Usually the other person has no idea what's gone on inside me up to that point. Maybe they were off talking to someone else, maybe they weren't paying close enough attention to notice the warning signs, maybe they were peacefully sleeping, when suddenly I'm leaving. Hopefully before the tears have started - because at this point if they've started there's NO controlling them.

Someone said to me once after a situation they knew beforehand would be stressful for me, "I'd hoped you'd be stronger." Um, yah, me too! I certainly didn't hope I'd spend my morning trying to keep myself under control and wind up unable to tamp down the anxiety, end up rushing off in tears, and sit in my car crying for an hour.

What I felt like starting around 10 pm. Photo from Flickr.

It's 1:30 in the morning, so how much sense does this post make? Probably not much. Just stuff going through my head when I can't sleep. Realizing that I kind of set myself up for today's attack by not taking any real time to myself in the last week. It's the holiday season - which always depresses me - so I try not to be alone, when that's likely what I most need. I officially broke up with the boyfriend who had pretty much ended it but wouldn't say it, went to the mall on Black Friday, followed by a trip to Six Flags with two teenage girls who feed off each other, and got a "we need to talk" text from someone I care about, which always means bad news. So, yah, sensory overload = anxiety. And I'm still awake at 2:00 in the morning with a full day ahead of me.

Give Me Presents!

I love presents. Some of you are probably thinking, “Duh! Who doesn’t love presents?” But I’ve discovered that there actually are people who don’t enjoy presents that much.  Or they do like gifts, but they’d rather have something else from someone – like physical touch or quality time or words of affirmation or acts of service.

Gorgeous roses I got last weekend.

I don’t only love receiving presents. I really like to give them. I enjoy coming across something and thinking, “Oh, Sass would love these tights!” and getting them for her. Or reading that a friend has been dying to read a certain book, so I’ll buy it and have it sent to them. I’ve left gift cards on people’s vehicles to thank them for no longer parking next to me. 

Pretty roses with a vase AND an owl. 

This is my primary love language. I found this out by taking the quiz at The 5 Love Languages site. My primary love language is receiving gifts and my next highest is words of affirmation. The best presents are the ones that obviously took some thought or that show the person has paid attention to what you said. Like the Pitch Perfect blu-ray left on my windshield yesterday! Words are so incredibly important to me. But not just like, “You’re hot” or “I like you” or “Good job”. It’s about the details – the specifics. “I love the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh” or “I love that you are always looking for ways to help the people around you”. Those are the words that will get me giddy. Of course there are also the words that will chip away at my spirit, but I wrote about those words in another post.

I love books and owls. So, owl bookends?!

I’ve received several gifts over the last few months. I truly appreciate and adore these gifts. Some continue to make me smile on a daily basis. The interesting thing is, though, that when deciding to become exclusive with someone I chose the one who hasn’t spoken to me in my primary love language. We’ve been speaking more quality time and physical touch, which are my two lowest ranking love languages. Maybe I’m changing. Maybe it’s just all still new.

Personalized and delivered!

He does feed me and bring me coffee: high on my list of things that make me happy. And he says things like “You drive me crazy. I want to spend every second of every day with you. You make me happier than I’ve been in a long time. It was so hard for me to say goodnight” and “I love that we get along so well. You make me very happy and when I’m with you I feel complete. I don’t want to share you with anyone else.” (Yah, that started the exclusive discussion.) Now I need to learn his love language. And we’ll see where it goes from here!

What’s YOUR love language? Someone can't understand why you don't feel loved or appreciated by them? They aren't speaking your love language. You can't understand why your spouse doesn't feel it? Maybe you're speaking to them in your language instead of theirs! 

Surprised with a dress I REALLY wanted!

What is Dating?

I’ve spent most of the last 22 years of my life married. I got married at 17 (no, I was not pregnant) and we split up for good when I was 25. I was single for a year before moving in with the man who became my second husband. We were together 12 years. This month was our 11^th anniversary, since we’re still married. We separated in the summer of 2012.

I was back in the dating game at 38. Scary! But what IS dating? 

Truth Hurts on Yahoo! Answers :“It's like this, dating is supposed to be where you are getting to know someone and deciding if you guys are compatible but are free to date other people.” 

I decided that I was going to date more than one person at a time. I told men I didn’t want serious but I didn’t want to just be a booty call either. Since May I’ve gone through weeks of only dating one person and weeks where I had several dates with different people. (Dating doesn’t necessarily mean sleeping with, by the way. I don’t actually sleep with every person I date, contrary to what some people believe.) For the most part, I told the men that I was dating others. (Okay there was one I didn’t explicitly say this to, but I thought he knew.) My thinking was that until you have the talk about being exclusive, all’s fair.

Many people don’t agree with this philosophy. It seems quite a few people believe you should only date one person.  I’ve been told that I’m what’s wrong with society today. Ironically that came from a married woman who online went on and on about the importance of monogamy and being faithful, but who was pretty much throwing herself at a guy I was dating. Go figure.

One of my problems is that I tend to really, really like people at first. It’s all fun and new. I spend a lot of time with them. I miss them, I can’t wait to hear from them. And then suddenly, I’m not so into them anymore. I’m ready to move on. I warn men about this up front. It’s not a challenge. It’s a tip that if they’re looking for love or long term commitment, they should keep looking. I’m not saying this is a GOOD thing. It’s really not. I’m working on it.

And now? Well, I’ve found someone I’m still into after three months of talking, two months of dating. Someone I’m comfortable with, someone who is ready to have the exclusive talk, someone who is always my first choice, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, someone who causes my roommate to say things like, "You have that falling in love look on your face!" after a weekend camping trip. Am I ready to leave behind dating and move into the realm of exclusive relationship? Am I ready to say, “This is my boyfriend”? Am I ready to believe someone will love who I am and that I deserve this happiness, am I ready for commitment? Stay tuned…

P.S. Know how I always said I don't believe in soulmates? I changed my mind thanks to Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside. Read his post Will You be my Soulmate? It's great!