Wednesday, May 25, 2016

And the wall came tumbling down

I was irritated with something my husband had done. As usual. I seem to live in a semi-permanent state of irritation; it's something I'm working on with medication changes and better nutrition. I don't remember why I was irritated. Probably something silly.

Grumbling to myself as he opened the car door, I saw the sun glint off his wedding band. A simple rose gold band. And in that moment, I realized how much I love this man and that I don't want to know what life is like without him.

It probably sounds odd. I married the man, though, so I must love him, right? Well, yes.  But I'm not good at intimacy or commitment or sticking things out when things are tough. So every time something goes wrong or we argue (especially about kids), I'm ready to leave. I'd often think, "If he told me he was leaving me, it would be such a relief." Because then it wouldn't be ME leaving. It wouldn't be ME giving up. Again.

That day, the sunlight hitting his ring shattered a wall within me. This man loves me. He's proud to have me as his wife. He is so incredibly happy to wear that wedding band. He doesn't wear it for me. He wears it because of what it means to him and because he wants everyone to know he's a married man. He never threatens to leave. He never uses my constant sense of guilt to get me to do things he wants. He doesn't use my depression as a sword to cut me down. He reminds me of the good things about myself, tells me that I've made his and the kids' lives better, and is forever patient with me. He's the first person I want to share news with: good or bad. 

He drives me crazy. If he replies to my texts or posts with "Hodor" or "Hold the Door" one more time, he may very well end up on the couch for the night. He's a pun lover. We rarely agree on expectations or consequences for the kids. He's constantly trying to convince me to sing karaoke, despite my awful voice. 

But he's my husband. I'm proud of him. I love him. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Over committed? Maybe a bit...

I sometimes over commit myself. Not often, really, because I hate being a person who flakes or bails out on things. Struggling with depression and anxiety more than usual lately, I try not to commit because I just don't know what's going to hit me the day I'm supposed to do something. Unfortunately, that mostly applies to social events. If something doesn't involve personal interaction, sign me up.

I have a wedding in 12 days. (Yah, a LOT has happened since I last wrote on this here blog).  I don't have any time to take off work, so you'd think that I'd use my logical mind and say to myself, "You have a wedding to pull off and you work full-time, so you really shouldn't start any new projects." Right? Mmmhmm. That's what you'd think. 
May 11 is Eat What You Want Day AND National Hostess Cupcake Day, so my deployed soldier got this package.
Instead I managed to commit to the following: two Mother's Day care packages for caregivers of wounded soldiers, a birthday package for the caregiver of a wounded soldier (whose birthday is the day of my wedding), a postcard album for my dad for Father's Day that has to be done by the time of the wedding so I don't have to mail it and can actually give it to him in person, a trip out of town (5 hour round trip) to get my hair done so my roots don't look horrendous in the wedding pictures, a belated birthday present for a good friend, and a wedding gift for my darling husband.
One of the two caregiver packages going out this week for Mother's Day. Hoping my caregivers
will pamper themselves with some bath products and a great Lush gift pack!
The wedding is supposed to be simple and easy. Hahahaha! I kept waiting for it to plan itself. That didn't happen, so I got a belated start. Fortunately my friends are pulling together to help save the little sanity I have left. Since we're actually already married and just doing a ceremony because my husband wants the wedding dress, walk down the aisle, cake and pictures along with a reception so we can party with friends and family, we decided to just have fun with it. Except that getting people on to a military base for the ceremony takes some pre-planning. And no matter how many times I say "I don't care" to the friends who have volunteered to help with things, they keep asking me about DETAILS. I'm like the opposite of bridezilla. Bridezillas want everything exactly the way they pictured it. Me? I have no pictures in my head. I want to walk down the aisle in my orange dress and then party it up at my house afterward.
My attempts at a birthday gift for a friend - hand painted wine glass. This is obviously not my calling!
After an emotional meltdown over the past week, they've realized that I really don't care and they have free rein to do whatever they want to decorate (or not decorate) my home. The cake? As long as it tastes good, is blue and orange, and incorporates a football I’m good. A friend said he'd be glad to officiate our wedding:  ‘I'll happily don on the apparel of the priest from The Princess Bride and say a few things: "mawwage. Mawwage is wat bwings us togethah".’ My husband and I? We're all for that. We're already married, who cares?! 

So life is a little overwhelming at the moment. Wedding pictures to come. Probably some mortifying video to go with it. Stay tuned. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I fell asleep too early - overwhelmed by my day and lying naked in my bed. The price is being awake at midnight. The small moment of peace I felt in those moments gone, replaced by worn nerves and overloaded senses. The feel of the hair on my neck, the itch from sunburn and bug bites, the dog's coughing, the cat going in and out the cat door, the heaviness of the quilt, the ache in my jaw and pain in my ear all poking away at me.

I wonder if this is how the jack-in-the-box feels. There's Jack, all content hiding in his quiet, dark space. He  thinks he's under control now and when someone comes along and starts winding him up, he'll handle it differently this time.

But then the handle turns. The music starts. At first it's bearable and almost nice. Jack tells himself, "See you can handle this!" The music picks up speed and the click, click, click of the handle gets louder. "Just breathe, Jack. It's really not that bad. You're over reacting. If it's really bothering you, just gently open the lid and ask them to stop." He can't. He's not sure why, but he's frozen inside his once peaceful box hoping the person will get tired and move on.

It doesn't stop. The music keeps going and acts as a grater on his nerves. The clicking handle spins faster. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's...AAAGGGHHH!" It's too much and Jack explodes from the box letting all the pent up energy and emotion out in one blast.
Well, hello Jack
As the bouncing stops and the nerves calm, does Jack feel embarrassed at his over reaction? Is he abashed by his dramatic exit from the box with arms flailing? Ashamed as the look of surprise crosses someone's face?  Does he think he'll just go back into his box for a little bit. Just long enough to regroup and then he'll come out slowly and peacefully the next time, only to find himself moving through the vicious cycle again? Does he wonder how he got himself stuck in this box in the first place and if he'll ever be free of it and able to cope without hiding?

Maybe that's not how it is for Jack. Maybe it's really all fun and games to him.But I'm tired of being Jacque-in-a-box and I'm going to keep exploring how to be free.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Random Song Lyrics

I know I can't be the only one who starts to think or say or type something and immediately song lyrics pop in to finish the sentence? Or the lyrics just start playing in my head all on their own. Or I think something that isn't the exact same lyrics but in my head it goes to the melody.

What it looks like when I DON'T know the lyrics, the beat, the melody...
Trying to sing the male lyrics in Dark Horse during karaoke
And my shirt reads GEEK, in case you were wondering.
Here are a few recent ones that have happened to me:

  • I just need to let it go. Let it go, I can't hold it back anymore.
  • I'm in love. With a stripper.
  • Do you want me... Like I want you.
  • What would you do if... Your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor
  • I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. (No pre-thought on this one. It's just there.)
  • I want you to... Want me. I need you to need me.
  • It's 5 o'clock in the morning...Conversation got boring. You said you're going to bed soon.
  • There was a heart shaped bed in the middle of the room. (Another just totally odd song that I occasionally hear *%#in my head.)
  • I bang my head on my desk, I bang my head on my desk. Just bang it. (Some of you may be lucky enough to not have been exposed over and over and over to the actual song: "Whip My Hair".)
  • It wasn't me... But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me.
  • So not fair!... And I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean.
  • F*%# you...F*%# you very very much.
How many of you wound up singing some or all of the lyrics?

Also? Yesterday morning I was humming in the shower. (Have I mentioned I dislike humming?) It took me a minute to place the song. "It's a Whole New World". I haven't watched Aladdin recently.  Where the hell did that come from?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Who I Am...

I've decided to start writing again. To not think too much about it. To not worry about what people think. Today is about me.

I am
  • a mom who has never loved motherhood but who loves my children with all my heart.
  • that person who doesn't believe people actually like me. I don't say "I don't know why she doesn't like me"; I say "I don't know why they want to spend time with me!"
  • someone who rarely sends out friend requests on Facebook because I'm scared of rejection. Sounds cliché but it's true.
  • a person who is always thinking about how I can help someone else out. Even if I don't like them.
  • completely comfortable training a room of 100+ people on after school activity programming or how to use our software but who goes through major anxiety going into a social situation.
  • someone who has an extremely hard time asking for help.
  • a person who likes to come up with ideas and have others carry out the details.
  • passionate about finding a way to help parents, particularly parents of difficult or out-of-control kids.
  • a reader. 
  • a dancer.  
  • a stepmom who will never stop loving the children I helped raise.
  • very sensitive to noise. Quiet is important to me.
  • living with depression.
  • not a seller. I don't enjoy anything that involves trying to get people to buy something from me.
  • sometimes a writer.
  • learning that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic, particularly with myself. 
  • better at communicating through writing than in conversation.
  • going to make my dream come true and make a living doing work I'm passionate about.
You can help my dream come true. Can you spare $5.