Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I fell asleep too early - overwhelmed by my day and lying naked in my bed. The price is being awake at midnight. The small moment of peace I felt in those moments gone, replaced by worn nerves and overloaded senses. The feel of the hair on my neck, the itch from sunburn and bug bites, the dog's coughing, the cat going in and out the cat door, the heaviness of the quilt, the ache in my jaw and pain in my ear all poking away at me.

I wonder if this is how the jack-in-the-box feels. There's Jack, all content hiding in his quiet, dark space. He  thinks he's under control now and when someone comes along and starts winding him up, he'll handle it differently this time.

But then the handle turns. The music starts. At first it's bearable and almost nice. Jack tells himself, "See you can handle this!" The music picks up speed and the click, click, click of the handle gets louder. "Just breathe, Jack. It's really not that bad. You're over reacting. If it's really bothering you, just gently open the lid and ask them to stop." He can't. He's not sure why, but he's frozen inside his once peaceful box hoping the person will get tired and move on.

It doesn't stop. The music keeps going and acts as a grater on his nerves. The clicking handle spins faster. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's...AAAGGGHHH!" It's too much and Jack explodes from the box letting all the pent up energy and emotion out in one blast.
Well, hello Jack
As the bouncing stops and the nerves calm, does Jack feel embarrassed at his over reaction? Is he abashed by his dramatic exit from the box with arms flailing? Ashamed as the look of surprise crosses someone's face?  Does he think he'll just go back into his box for a little bit. Just long enough to regroup and then he'll come out slowly and peacefully the next time, only to find himself moving through the vicious cycle again? Does he wonder how he got himself stuck in this box in the first place and if he'll ever be free of it and able to cope without hiding?

Maybe that's not how it is for Jack. Maybe it's really all fun and games to him.But I'm tired of being Jacque-in-a-box and I'm going to keep exploring how to be free.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Random Song Lyrics

I know I can't be the only one who starts to think or say or type something and immediately song lyrics pop in to finish the sentence? Or the lyrics just start playing in my head all on their own. Or I think something that isn't the exact same lyrics but in my head it goes to the melody.

What it looks like when I DON'T know the lyrics, the beat, the melody...
Trying to sing the male lyrics in Dark Horse during karaoke
And my shirt reads GEEK, in case you were wondering.
Here are a few recent ones that have happened to me:

  • I just need to let it go. Let it go, I can't hold it back anymore.
  • I'm in love. With a stripper.
  • Do you want me... Like I want you.
  • What would you do if... Your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor
  • I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. (No pre-thought on this one. It's just there.)
  • I want you to... Want me. I need you to need me.
  • It's 5 o'clock in the morning...Conversation got boring. You said you're going to bed soon.
  • There was a heart shaped bed in the middle of the room. (Another just totally odd song that I occasionally hear *%#in my head.)
  • I bang my head on my desk, I bang my head on my desk. Just bang it. (Some of you may be lucky enough to not have been exposed over and over and over to the actual song: "Whip My Hair".)
  • It wasn't me... But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me.
  • So not fair!... And I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean.
  • F*%# you...F*%# you very very much.
How many of you wound up singing some or all of the lyrics?

Also? Yesterday morning I was humming in the shower. (Have I mentioned I dislike humming?) It took me a minute to place the song. "It's a Whole New World". I haven't watched The Little Mermaid recently.  Where the hell did that come from?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Who I Am...

I've decided to start writing again. To not think too much about it. To not worry about what people think. Today is about me.

I am
  • a mom who has never loved motherhood but who loves my children with all my heart.
  • that person who doesn't believe people actually like me. I don't say "I don't know why she doesn't like me"; I say "I don't know why they want to spend time with me!"
  • someone who rarely sends out friend requests on Facebook because I'm scared of rejection. Sounds cliché but it's true.
  • a person who is always thinking about how I can help someone else out. Even if I don't like them.
  • completely comfortable training a room of 100+ people on after school activity programming or how to use our software but who goes through major anxiety going into a social situation.
  • someone who has an extremely hard time asking for help.
  • a person who likes to come up with ideas and have others carry out the details.
  • passionate about finding a way to help parents, particularly parents of difficult or out-of-control kids.
  • a reader. 
  • a dancer.  
  • a stepmom who will never stop loving the children I helped raise.
  • very sensitive to noise. Quiet is important to me.
  • living with depression.
  • not a seller. I don't enjoy anything that involves trying to get people to buy something from me.
  • sometimes a writer.
  • learning that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic, particularly with myself. 
  • better at communicating through writing than in conversation.
  • going to make my dream come true and make a living doing work I'm passionate about.
You can help my dream come true. Can you spare $5.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Crazy Busy and Random Days

I haven’t written on my blog in ages. Why? A combination of laziness and of wanting the perfect post (there is no such thing, by the way) and of getting great ideas when I can’t really write them down and then forgetting them when I can write them down.  But I decided I needed to get something posted, because that one on being a cheater has been the first thing people see on my page for a little too long. And I’ve gotten some crap for that post, believe me. I won’t delete it, though. I’ve deleted too many posts over the last few years because someone was offended or bothered or whatever.

So this is just a “hey, how are you, this is what’s new with me” post. Nothing really funny or enlightening.  Hmm, maybe this shouldn’t be the first things visitors to my page see, either. Oh well, over thinking things again.
Hi! How are you? My half-assed attempt at a retro look.
Life has been crazy-fucking-busy lately. I became a Beachbody coach. Then realized I don’t have the time, and maybe not the true desire, to spend building a business. So I’m mostly doing it for the discount on Beachbody products. Shakeology, which I resisted spending money on for months, has become my main breakfast staple. Where else can I get like 5 bowls of salad and a bunch of supplements worth of nutrients in one meal that’s super easy to make? And doesn’t make me feel bloated. 

I completed the 21 Day Fix program and the workouts are great. 30 minutes that leave you sweaty and often sore along with a meal plan (which I did not follow well). I gained four pounds but lost 8.5 inches overall that month.  Then I had the great idea to get certified in some kind of group fitness thing. I mean, I’m working out anyway and I like helping people. So in July I’m going to Reno to get certified in PiYo.

Remember how I hate running. How I swore I’d be eaten first by zombies because I still wouldn’t run? Well, I’ve been running. Do I love it? Hell no. Have I experienced that runner’s high that dedicated runner’s talk about? Nope. Am I addicted? Nope. But I like being able to run a 5k. It feels like an accomplishment to be proud of. In December I could barely run a mile. January through March I was running between 2 and 4 miles at anywhere from a pace of 9:30 to 10:30. 

Before my first 5k: Zombie Run.
Since March, I’ve done a few runs but now my run time is like 11 minutes. I'm not very happy with that:
  • ·         5k Zombie Run. Not much running involved there, but it was fun. Zombies, mud, obstacles? A blast.
  • ·         12k Rocklin Run. And ran pretty much the whole thing. Maybe not the best idea. I finished in about 1:22:00 and was in pain for the next month. For weeks I couldn’t run at all because every step was like knives being thrust into my quads.
  • ·         5k Extreme Mud Run. LOTS of mud, a little running, some okay obstacles. I still loved it.
  • After my first 5k: Zombie Run. I got infected. Aaron did not.
  • ·         Now Glowing. A 5k glow run that started with a pre-run show of Mary Lambert. (Okay I have to say that might not have been the best way to get people ready to run. She was amazing, but also kind of depressing and slow paced.) I got to spend time with a close friend, my daughter and boyfriend. And afterwards I drank two beers and ate chili cheese fries while Goo Goo Dolls performed. I’m still bummed that the handprints I had my boyfriend put on my shorts with glow in the dark paint didn’t actually glow. But our tutus turned out great, so there’s that.

Oh, and I turned 40.

Turning 40 at Dive Bar in Sac.
Good friends, drinks, dueling pianists, and mermaids.

What’s upcoming? (In other words, please come back because I really will be posting more often and you’re page views are sometimes the only thing that keep me going.)
  • ·         The Birthday Giving Project.
  • ·         The joys of moving into a fabulous, large house with kids who don’t seem to be happy unless they’re complaining about everything.
  • ·         Celebrating Superman Day.
  • ·         Celebrating Recess at Work Day.
  • ·         Diving into studies on the law of attraction with Bob Doyle and Rhonda Byrne.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lessons from a Cheater

I’ve been a cheater. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m not going to try to justify it. I’m not going to give you my back story or blame my exes or tell you why.  But listening to a friend’s story today, I thought of a few things I could share with those who believe that they've met their soulmate as a result of an affair...
  • I seriously doubt that the person you’ve never spent more than a few hours at a time with is your soulmate. Let’s see how that holds up when you spend day after day and night after night together, when one of you is sick or mad, when you’re arguing about how to best deal with the ex or each other’s kids.  You know, that stuff you’re avoiding with your current partner…
  • You know that butterflies-in-the-stomach, giddy, can’t stand to be away from each other feeling you have right now that makes you THINK your soulmates? What are you going to do when that ends? Because even if it doesn’t completely stop, it’s going to diminish.  Remember when you had it with your current significant other? And you thought it would last forever? Obviously you were wrong then, what makes you so sure you’re right now?
  •  Remember that part of the excitement comes from the thrill of secrecy, the clandestine nature of an affair. Will there be something left when that subsides?
  • Of course there’s a chance that this person really is your soulmate – but after a few months of secret meetings and a few hours snatched here and there, how likely is that? Imagine your current life with this person instead of the one you’re with. Would  you still think he/she is the one you're meant to be with forever?
  • Going to marriage counseling with your spouse one day and out with your new flame the next day doesn't qualify as working on your marriage. You don't get the best of both worlds, you have to choose. You think choosing is hard? Imagine what your partner is going through. S/He chose you, still chooses you, and they have to know your struggling to choose between her/him and someone else. 
I didn't meet my soulmate. I didn't leave my marriages to be with a specific person (although that didn't mean I wasn't seeing someone) but rather because I knew I couldn't be with this person any longer, for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, the way I went about that wasn't great. I'm not an expert on anything - but I know that initial excitement wears off pretty quickly once you're free to spend all the time you want together. I've seen more than a few marriages fail as the result of someone meeting their soulmate only to discover that once the dust settled, the new relationship wasn't really any better than the last. 

So those are my lessons - take 'em or leave 'em. Just more of my random thoughts.