Monday, May 4, 2015

Over committed? Maybe a bit...

I sometimes over commit myself. Not often, really, because I hate being a person who flakes or bails out on things. Struggling with depression and anxiety more than usual lately, I try not to commit because I just don't know what's going to hit me the day I'm supposed to do something. Unfortunately, that mostly applies to social events. If something doesn't involve personal interaction, sign me up.

I have a wedding in 12 days. (Yah, a LOT has happened since I last wrote on this here blog).  I don't have any time to take off work, so you'd think that I'd use my logical mind and say to myself, "You have a wedding to pull off and you work full-time, so you really shouldn't start any new projects." Right? Mmmhmm. That's what you'd think. 
May 11 is Eat What You Want Day AND National Hostess Cupcake Day, so my deployed soldier got this package.
Instead I managed to commit to the following: two Mother's Day care packages for caregivers of wounded soldiers, a birthday package for the caregiver of a wounded soldier (whose birthday is the day of my wedding), a postcard album for my dad for Father's Day that has to be done by the time of the wedding so I don't have to mail it and can actually give it to him in person, a trip out of town (5 hour round trip) to get my hair done so my roots don't look horrendous in the wedding pictures, a belated birthday present for a good friend, and a wedding gift for my darling husband.
One of the two caregiver packages going out this week for Mother's Day. Hoping my caregivers
will pamper themselves with some bath products and a great Lush gift pack!
The wedding is supposed to be simple and easy. Hahahaha! I kept waiting for it to plan itself. That didn't happen, so I got a belated start. Fortunately my friends are pulling together to help save the little sanity I have left. Since we're actually already married and just doing a ceremony because my husband wants the wedding dress, walk down the aisle, cake and pictures along with a reception so we can party with friends and family, we decided to just have fun with it. Except that getting people on to a military base for the ceremony takes some pre-planning. And no matter how many times I say "I don't care" to the friends who have volunteered to help with things, they keep asking me about DETAILS. I'm like the opposite of bridezilla. Bridezillas want everything exactly the way they pictured it. Me? I have no pictures in my head. I want to walk down the aisle in my orange dress and then party it up at my house afterward.
My attempts at a birthday gift for a friend - hand painted wine glass. This is obviously not my calling!
After an emotional meltdown over the past week, they've realized that I really don't care and they have free rein to do whatever they want to decorate (or not decorate) my home. The cake? As long as it tastes good, is blue and orange, and incorporates a football I’m good. A friend said he'd be glad to officiate our wedding:  ‘I'll happily don on the apparel of the priest from The Princess Bride and say a few things: "mawwage. Mawwage is wat bwings us togethah".’ My husband and I? We're all for that. We're already married, who cares?! 

So life is a little overwhelming at the moment. Wedding pictures to come. Probably some mortifying video to go with it. Stay tuned. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I fell asleep too early - overwhelmed by my day and lying naked in my bed. The price is being awake at midnight. The small moment of peace I felt in those moments gone, replaced by worn nerves and overloaded senses. The feel of the hair on my neck, the itch from sunburn and bug bites, the dog's coughing, the cat going in and out the cat door, the heaviness of the quilt, the ache in my jaw and pain in my ear all poking away at me.

I wonder if this is how the jack-in-the-box feels. There's Jack, all content hiding in his quiet, dark space. He  thinks he's under control now and when someone comes along and starts winding him up, he'll handle it differently this time.

But then the handle turns. The music starts. At first it's bearable and almost nice. Jack tells himself, "See you can handle this!" The music picks up speed and the click, click, click of the handle gets louder. "Just breathe, Jack. It's really not that bad. You're over reacting. If it's really bothering you, just gently open the lid and ask them to stop." He can't. He's not sure why, but he's frozen inside his once peaceful box hoping the person will get tired and move on.

It doesn't stop. The music keeps going and acts as a grater on his nerves. The clicking handle spins faster. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's...AAAGGGHHH!" It's too much and Jack explodes from the box letting all the pent up energy and emotion out in one blast.
Well, hello Jack
As the bouncing stops and the nerves calm, does Jack feel embarrassed at his over reaction? Is he abashed by his dramatic exit from the box with arms flailing? Ashamed as the look of surprise crosses someone's face?  Does he think he'll just go back into his box for a little bit. Just long enough to regroup and then he'll come out slowly and peacefully the next time, only to find himself moving through the vicious cycle again? Does he wonder how he got himself stuck in this box in the first place and if he'll ever be free of it and able to cope without hiding?

Maybe that's not how it is for Jack. Maybe it's really all fun and games to him.But I'm tired of being Jacque-in-a-box and I'm going to keep exploring how to be free.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Random Song Lyrics

I know I can't be the only one who starts to think or say or type something and immediately song lyrics pop in to finish the sentence? Or the lyrics just start playing in my head all on their own. Or I think something that isn't the exact same lyrics but in my head it goes to the melody.

What it looks like when I DON'T know the lyrics, the beat, the melody...
Trying to sing the male lyrics in Dark Horse during karaoke
And my shirt reads GEEK, in case you were wondering.
Here are a few recent ones that have happened to me:

  • I just need to let it go. Let it go, I can't hold it back anymore.
  • I'm in love. With a stripper.
  • Do you want me... Like I want you.
  • What would you do if... Your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor
  • I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. (No pre-thought on this one. It's just there.)
  • I want you to... Want me. I need you to need me.
  • It's 5 o'clock in the morning...Conversation got boring. You said you're going to bed soon.
  • There was a heart shaped bed in the middle of the room. (Another just totally odd song that I occasionally hear *%#in my head.)
  • I bang my head on my desk, I bang my head on my desk. Just bang it. (Some of you may be lucky enough to not have been exposed over and over and over to the actual song: "Whip My Hair".)
  • It wasn't me... But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me.
  • So not fair!... And I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean.
  • F*%# you...F*%# you very very much.
How many of you wound up singing some or all of the lyrics?

Also? Yesterday morning I was humming in the shower. (Have I mentioned I dislike humming?) It took me a minute to place the song. "It's a Whole New World". I haven't watched Aladdin recently.  Where the hell did that come from?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Who I Am...

I've decided to start writing again. To not think too much about it. To not worry about what people think. Today is about me.

I am
  • a mom who has never loved motherhood but who loves my children with all my heart.
  • that person who doesn't believe people actually like me. I don't say "I don't know why she doesn't like me"; I say "I don't know why they want to spend time with me!"
  • someone who rarely sends out friend requests on Facebook because I'm scared of rejection. Sounds cliché but it's true.
  • a person who is always thinking about how I can help someone else out. Even if I don't like them.
  • completely comfortable training a room of 100+ people on after school activity programming or how to use our software but who goes through major anxiety going into a social situation.
  • someone who has an extremely hard time asking for help.
  • a person who likes to come up with ideas and have others carry out the details.
  • passionate about finding a way to help parents, particularly parents of difficult or out-of-control kids.
  • a reader. 
  • a dancer.  
  • a stepmom who will never stop loving the children I helped raise.
  • very sensitive to noise. Quiet is important to me.
  • living with depression.
  • not a seller. I don't enjoy anything that involves trying to get people to buy something from me.
  • sometimes a writer.
  • learning that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic, particularly with myself. 
  • better at communicating through writing than in conversation.
  • going to make my dream come true and make a living doing work I'm passionate about.
You can help my dream come true. Can you spare $5.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Crazy Busy and Random Days

I haven’t written on my blog in ages. Why? A combination of laziness and of wanting the perfect post (there is no such thing, by the way) and of getting great ideas when I can’t really write them down and then forgetting them when I can write them down.  But I decided I needed to get something posted, because that one on being a cheater has been the first thing people see on my page for a little too long. And I’ve gotten some crap for that post, believe me. I won’t delete it, though. I’ve deleted too many posts over the last few years because someone was offended or bothered or whatever.

So this is just a “hey, how are you, this is what’s new with me” post. Nothing really funny or enlightening.  Hmm, maybe this shouldn’t be the first things visitors to my page see, either. Oh well, over thinking things again.
Hi! How are you? My half-assed attempt at a retro look.
Life has been crazy-fucking-busy lately. I became a Beachbody coach. Then realized I don’t have the time, and maybe not the true desire, to spend building a business. So I’m mostly doing it for the discount on Beachbody products. Shakeology, which I resisted spending money on for months, has become my main breakfast staple. Where else can I get like 5 bowls of salad and a bunch of supplements worth of nutrients in one meal that’s super easy to make? And doesn’t make me feel bloated. 

I completed the 21 Day Fix program and the workouts are great. 30 minutes that leave you sweaty and often sore along with a meal plan (which I did not follow well). I gained four pounds but lost 8.5 inches overall that month.  Then I had the great idea to get certified in some kind of group fitness thing. I mean, I’m working out anyway and I like helping people. So in July I’m going to Reno to get certified in PiYo.

Remember how I hate running. How I swore I’d be eaten first by zombies because I still wouldn’t run? Well, I’ve been running. Do I love it? Hell no. Have I experienced that runner’s high that dedicated runner’s talk about? Nope. Am I addicted? Nope. But I like being able to run a 5k. It feels like an accomplishment to be proud of. In December I could barely run a mile. January through March I was running between 2 and 4 miles at anywhere from a pace of 9:30 to 10:30. 

Before my first 5k: Zombie Run.
Since March, I’ve done a few runs but now my run time is like 11 minutes. I'm not very happy with that:
  • ·         5k Zombie Run. Not much running involved there, but it was fun. Zombies, mud, obstacles? A blast.
  • ·         12k Rocklin Run. And ran pretty much the whole thing. Maybe not the best idea. I finished in about 1:22:00 and was in pain for the next month. For weeks I couldn’t run at all because every step was like knives being thrust into my quads.
  • ·         5k Extreme Mud Run. LOTS of mud, a little running, some okay obstacles. I still loved it.
  • After my first 5k: Zombie Run. I got infected. Aaron did not.
  • ·         Now Glowing. A 5k glow run that started with a pre-run show of Mary Lambert. (Okay I have to say that might not have been the best way to get people ready to run. She was amazing, but also kind of depressing and slow paced.) I got to spend time with a close friend, my daughter and boyfriend. And afterwards I drank two beers and ate chili cheese fries while Goo Goo Dolls performed. I’m still bummed that the handprints I had my boyfriend put on my shorts with glow in the dark paint didn’t actually glow. But our tutus turned out great, so there’s that.

Oh, and I turned 40.

Turning 40 at Dive Bar in Sac.
Good friends, drinks, dueling pianists, and mermaids.

What’s upcoming? (In other words, please come back because I really will be posting more often and you’re page views are sometimes the only thing that keep me going.)
  • ·         The Birthday Giving Project.
  • ·         The joys of moving into a fabulous, large house with kids who don’t seem to be happy unless they’re complaining about everything.
  • ·         Celebrating Superman Day.
  • ·         Celebrating Recess at Work Day.
  • ·         Diving into studies on the law of attraction with Bob Doyle and Rhonda Byrne.