Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Give Me Presents!

I love presents. Some of you are probably thinking, “Duh! Who doesn’t love presents?” But I’ve discovered that there actually are people who don’t enjoy presents that much.  Or they do like gifts, but they’d rather have something else from someone – like physical touch or quality time or words of affirmation or acts of service.
Gorgeous roses I got last weekend.

I don’t only love receiving presents. I really like to give them. I enjoy coming across something and thinking, “Oh, Sass would love these tights!” and getting them for her. Or reading that a friend has been dying to read a certain book, so I’ll buy it and have it sent to them. I’ve left gift cards on people’s vehicles to thank them for no longer parking next to me. 

Pretty roses with a vase AND an owl. 
This is my primary love language. I found this out by taking the quiz at The 5 Love Languages site. My primary love language is receiving gifts and my next highest is words of affirmation. The best presents are the ones that obviously took some thought or that show the person has paid attention to what you said. Like the Pitch Perfect blu-ray left on my windshield yesterday! Words are so incredibly important to me. But not just like, “You’re hot” or “I like you” or “Good job”. It’s about the details – the specifics. “I love the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh” or “I love that you are always looking for ways to help the people around you”. Those are the words that will get me giddy. Of course there are also the words that will chip away at my spirit, but I wrote about those words in another post.
I love books and owls. So, owl bookends?!

I’ve received several gifts over the last few months. I truly appreciate and adore these gifts. Some continue to make me smile on a daily basis. The interesting thing is, though, that when deciding to become exclusive with someone I chose the one who hasn’t spoken to me in my primary love language. We’ve been speaking more quality time and physical touch, which are my two lowest ranking love languages. Maybe I’m changing. Maybe it’s just all still new.

Personalized and delivered!
He does feed me and bring me coffee: high on my list of things that make me happy. And he says things like “You drive me crazy. I want to spend every second of every day with you. You make me happier than I’ve been in a long time. It was so hard for me to say goodnight” and “I love that we get along so well. You make me very happy and when I’m with you I feel complete. I don’t want to share you with anyone else.” (Yah, that started the exclusive discussion.) Now I need to learn his love language. And we’ll see where it goes from here!

What’s YOUR love language? Someone can't understand why you don't feel loved or appreciated by them? They aren't speaking your love language. You can't understand why your spouse doesn't feel it? Maybe you're speaking to them in your language instead of theirs! 

Surprised with a dress I REALLY wanted!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

What is Dating?

I’ve spent most of the last 22 years of my life married. I got married at 17 (no, I was not pregnant) and we split up for good when I was 25. I was single for a year before moving in with the man who became my second husband. We were together 12 years. This month was our 11th anniversary, since we’re still married. We separated in the summer of 2012.

I was back in the dating game at 38. Scary! But what IS dating? 

Truth Hurts on Yahoo! Answers :It's like this, dating is supposed to be where you are getting to know someone and deciding if you guys are compatible but are free to date other people.” 

I decided that I was going to date more than one person at a time. I told men I didn’t want serious but I didn’t want to just be a booty call either. Since May I’ve gone through weeks of only dating one person and weeks where I had several dates with different people. (Dating doesn’t necessarily mean sleeping with, by the way. I don’t actually sleep with every person I date, contrary to what some people believe.) For the most part, I told the men that I was dating others. (Okay there was one I didn’t explicitly say this to, but I thought he knew.) My thinking was that until you have the talk about being exclusive, all’s fair.

Many people don’t agree with this philosophy. It seems quite a few people believe you should only date one person.  I’ve been told that I’m what’s wrong with society today. Ironically that came from a married woman who online went on and on about the importance of monogamy and being faithful, but who was pretty much throwing herself at a guy I was dating. Go figure.

One of my problems is that I tend to really, really like people at first. It’s all fun and new. I spend a lot of time with them. I miss them, I can’t wait to hear from them. And then suddenly, I’m not so into them anymore. I’m ready to move on. I warn men about this up front. It’s not a challenge. It’s a tip that if they’re looking for love or long term commitment, they should keep looking. I’m not saying this is a GOOD thing. It’s really not. I’m working on it.

And now? Well, I’ve found someone I’m still into after three months of talking, two months of dating. Someone I’m comfortable with, someone who is ready to have the exclusive talk, someone who is always my first choice, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, someone who causes my roommate to say things like, "You have that falling in love look on your face!" after a weekend camping trip. Am I ready to leave behind dating and move into the realm of exclusive relationship? Am I ready to say, “This is my boyfriend”? Am I ready to believe someone will love who I am and that I deserve this happiness, am I ready for commitment? Stay tuned…

P.S. Know how I always said I don't believe in soulmates? I changed my mind thanks to Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside. Read his post Will You be my Soulmate? It's great!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Words Can Break a Spirit

What do you do when you're awake at 1:30 am, then still awake at 2:30 am? Apparently you read through old shit you should have deleted long ago. You feel that pain all over again. Your finger hovers over the delete button but you don't quite bring yourself to press it. That document of over 1000 horrible text messages? You KNOW it's time to let go of it, but you just can't seem to do it. Partly because you think maybe you NEED to keep it, maybe that reminder is good when you start glossing over the bad and forgetting. Maybe sometimes you shouldn't forget.

Words hurt. They may not break bones, but they may well break a spirit. Actions hurt. Words and actions combined? Wow, that'll really knock you for a loop. I try to be a good person. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I'm selfish beyond belief. Sometimes I can't move beyond my own pain or fear to be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. Sometimes I hurt people. I carry the guilt around with me after hurting someone. It never really goes away. My first husband and I have been apart since the summer of 1999. I still feel guilty and sad for things I did that hurt him. Was he totally innocent? Of course not, but that doesn't excuse my part in it!

But back to words hurt. Those bitch ass words are hard to forget. They'll replay in my head at the most inopportune times. Doesn't matter how many times I've been told I'm beautiful or that I'm a good person. Here are the things I hear instead,

About me:
"She thinks she's so hot in her librarian dresses." Yep, pretty much think of that every time I put on a dress.
"...practicing her burlesque routine...want me to record her tired ass body for you working it?" Dancing hasn't been the same for me since.

To me:
"Nobody in this county has any use for you."
"You look like a drowned rat. Who would want to date you?"
"You don't do shit for your kids."
"You should never have been allowed to have kids. That's how bad of a mom you are."
"She's 100x the woman you'll ever be."

Well, that doesn't sound so bad, I guess. But the other words? The words that are too awful for even my unfilteredness? They're nasty and downright cruel. And they go through my head far too often.

I guess what I can say about myself is that I never pretended to be someone's friend and tried to get them to talk bad about someone so I could run off and tell them. I never made up flat out lies to get someone else to like me and want me and to not like or want someone else. Even when someone has hurt me or pissed me off, I'll point out and remember what's good about them. "Oh her? The one who pretended to be my friend while talking shit about me and sending nasty sexual messages to my husband? The one who made up lies and told my husband I said them? But remember when she sent me balloons and flowers for my birthday?" Okay, maybe that's a bad example.

But what this post is really about, is a reminder to myself that words hurt. To be kind, even if I think the other person will never read or hear it. It's a reminder that even if I'm angry and hurting, I need to think about what I'm saying because that person may remember those words a year or ten or even 25 years later.

This post may not stay up long. That happens when I post in the wee hours of the morning after bad dreams, with my heart hurting and my mind replaying all those hurtful words. I post things that maybe I shouldn't.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

He's an Alpha Male

In the past I’ve known a few guys who referred to themselves as alpha males.  Those guys were passive-aggressive, or just plain aggressive, pushy, bossy, often sexist men. So last December/January, when a new guy friend described himself as an alpha male, my hackles rose a bit. Then a bunch of crap happened in my life, we stopped talking for awhile, and I didn’t get the chance to really get to know him.

We recently reconnected and this got me thinking again about the term “alpha male”. Because this guy, well he didn’t fit my perception of what it meant. I decided to Google it. And I discovered that what I thought were alpha male behaviors were clear signs that the jerks of my past WEREN’T alpha males.
My truthful Tuesday FB post from 10/8/2013.
I've decided how I feel about the alpha male, obviously.

What are those signs? Top 10 Signs You’re Not an Alpha Male point them out, but getting through all 10 is a pain. The videos are total overkill. I’m a reader. I want to read a list.  If you enjoy videos or have more patience than I do, go check it out.

Then there’s this post: 25 Characteristics of an Alpha Male. This is long, but you don’t have to go through 10 different screens to get through it.

I can definitely say now that I’m attracted to and turned on by alpha males. I appreciate their can-do attitudes, their follow through, their confidence, their humility, their protective nature, their generosity, and their assertiveness. That stubbornness can be irritating, but hey, who’s perfect?

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

All I Want for Christmas

I got online to write about my horrible Saturday morning. Truly one of the saddest, loneliest experiences of my life. But I can't write about it yet. Then I thought I'd write about changing my ignition coil MYSELF but wasn't feeling that either. So I decided to start early on this year's Christmas (my least favorite holiday) wishlist.

Last year my wish list included going to Hawaii, having Lasik surgery, and getting a boob job. I did go to Hawaii and part of it was paid. I got the sleigh bed frame from that list. And I had lots of red wine over the 10 months. It also looks like I might get that stereo (with installation)!

One of about four pictures of me in Hawaii that isn't hideous.

I'm starting a little early with my daydreaming this year. All I want for Christmas is $5,800. I know, kind of random, right? Like why not $6,000 or $10,000? Because I did something I tried not to do. I caved and borrowed money from a friend to get through a rough time. Until I can pay that off, it's going to weigh on my mind every single day. Now don't be getting all pissy thinking said friend is hounding me about it or making me feel bad in any way. Not a word has been said. But it's eating away at me. Part of my problem is I didn't use it fully as intended - something else came up. A LOT has come up in the last 12 months. Sometimes I've been selfish and spent money I really couldn't afford and shouldn't have (trip to Hawaii anyone? new dress perhaps?) and sometimes it was things caused by others. But the fact is, I can't stand to owe anyone anything. Not a favor, a cup of sugar, and definitely not money.

I did consider trying to start my own business as an escort. But I'm a little old. Plus I have this thing about not breaking the law. And so on. Then I considered a second job. Now? Basically if wishing for it doesn't work (remember, that old saying? Wish in one hand...), the next plan is to buckle down on a tight budget and get shit paid off.

Now if someone wanted to throw in some stocking stuffers, I might suggest the following:

  • Red wine. Old vine zin and merlots tend to be my favorites.
  • Fuzzy socks. I can never have too many of these in the winter.
  • Pitch Perfect on blu-ray or DVD. I'm not picky.
  • Gift cards for waxing services. Have you not heard my rants about shaving vs Brazilian waxing and the fact that the after effects of shaving MUST BE what it's like to have crabs (which I've never had, thank gawd, so I don't know for sure). Horrible itching. Horrible.
  • Such a Flirt body wash, lotion and body spray from Victoria's Secret. I've run out. If the bronzing lotion exists somewhere THAT would be really fabulous. (Last year I posted this on Twitter as Suck a Flirt, thanks to my phone. There is a VAST difference...)

    Apparently the bronzing lotion that was my favorite part of this is impossible to get anymore. But I still love the rest.
    P.S. I just remembered that all I wanted for Christmas in 4th grade was my four front teeth. No shit. They came in during fourth or fifth grade, finally, and then I had to go through speech therapy. Four or so years with no top front teeth gives a slight speech impediment.

    P.P.S. No, those missing teeth had nothing to do with me saying things like "nekkid" and "wrastling" and calling soda "pop" when I moved to Cali my junior year. Thanks for remembering that, by the way.

    NOW do you see why my blog is titled using words synonymous for random and awkward?!