Monday, March 25, 2013

Monday Madness: Dresses, Sparkle, & Annoying Workouts

Oh what to write about? Nothing particularly exciting is going on. I splurged (well it was actually a birthday present but I was going to splurge) on a FABULOUS black somewhat vintage looking dress over the weekend. I'll post pictures when I get red shoes to match and have my hair and make-up looking at least decent.
This is nothing what my dress looks like - I just think this is gorgeous. You can have this skirt by going to and paying $76.00. 
Also I originally saw this on Pacifiers & Pinups blog, so please go check it out!

Today I was in Small Town, CA,  in the middle of nowhere. At a customer site. Where I left sparkle everywhere I went. Everywhere: bathroom, chair seats, hallways, etc. I was slightly embarrassed when I realized the sparkle I was seeing all around had come from underneath my skirt.  The shorts I had put on to give myself a little sense of perkiness after little sleep last night & getting up at 5:30 am had BAD GIRL in sparkles on them. The sparkles didn't have great adhesive, so everywhere I went the sparkles were falling out from under my skirt to mark my path throughout the day. Fortunately the customers thought it was great - and up until I confessed had thought it was the work of someone's granddaughter, who apparently was always wearing or carrying something glittery.
This is just a lame and blurry picture of me trying to look sexy.
 I suck at selfies and look stupid in most pictures anyway.
If you could see the sparkles on the top, they're kinda like the ones I left all over my customer site today.
Getting home tonight I decided it was time to end the laziness and do some kind of workout. Except my workouts can't involve socks or shoes that cover the top of my foot, because of the A-MAZING tattoo I gave myself for my birthday. Well, not gave myself like I tattooed myself because that would be very sad looking, but that I paid for as my birthday present to myself.  Going through my workout DVDs I realized I've loaned out all of the good ones I actually enjoy and was left with a scratched copy of Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown; Carmen Electra's Strip to Fit (this is NOT a stripping workout - it's getting in shape for the stripping workout); Yoga Booty Ballet, Sizzling Salsa (not at all as sizzling as the name applies), and Fat Burning Yoga. I didn't think I could tolerate Carmen Electra in whatever kind of workout suit she's wearing (velour, velvet, I don't know. I do know it's long-sleeved and pants and who the fuck actually does a sweaty workout in that?!) or her attempts to make some of the exercises look sexy. I think I remember not liking Yoga Booty Ballet, although it's been like 5 years since I actually tried it. But I decided to go with Fat Burning Yoga. Which is a Crunch workout with Sara Ivanhoe. And I remembered that she is pretty much as annoying as Carmen Electra, but I was part way through the workout so had to finish. There's something about using "turn it up a notch" or "kick it up a notch" in a yoga workout that really bugs me. I'm also not sure I wanted to know that "Twists are good for digestion...You can really wring  yourself out." Although "To burn fat you have to do it, do it, do it" could really be applied to something much more fun than yoga, so I'll hold onto that phrase.

In summary, make sure the sparkle stays where it should before going out in public. Review your available options for workouts not requiring footwear before getting a tattoo. Carmen Electra and Sara Ivanhoe are annoying but their workouts will get your heart rate up and make you sweat (and there is a nicely toned man in Strip to Fit to help distract you from Carmen; or if you're a straight guy, you can just stare at Carmen's boobs to distract from the annoyance). Oh, and there's nothing like a downward facing dog in a boy shorts and a sports bra to bring you to the reality that you'd better keep this shit up because you're getting some serious cottage cheese thighs and that stomach is NOT looking pretty.

Sara Ivanhoe! Get this workout for as little as $8.99 on DVD
or $7.99 on VHS through Amazo
Carment Electra - buy this at Amazon on DVD for 10.99.
Be annoyed with me while working out.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Let's Raze This Dump

You know those people who can't stand the idea of their parent(s) selling the house they grew up in? Who look forward to going home once in awhile? I am not one of those people.

I'm sitting in my dad's living room right now, in the house we moved into when I was in the 5th grade, and I wish I had the money to have this place completely dozed and build him something from scratch. 28 or so years of neglect. The normal wear and tear of kids growing up here, of course. Women who spent most of their time either sleeping or sitting around smoking while their kids and animals destroyed the house. Days upon days of deep cleaning wouldn't touch this place. It's worn out.

This house that should be paid off but isn't thanks to the stepmom who racked up as many bills as she could before abandoning us all. Thanks to the stepsister who got in a car accident because her boyfriend ran a red light driving the car my dad had given them but they hadn't yet put in their name, followed by them suing my dad since the car was still in his name. Thanks to the next woman who moved in with her son after I left - who then went on disability and sat around doing nothing but smoking, collecting first editions of romance novels, using my dad to take care of and help all of her ungrateful children.

I'm angry at the number of people who have taken advantage of my dad. He's a gruff guy - often times downright scary if you don't know him. He made a school nurse cry once. A vice principal cry another time. But underneath that gruffness is a guy who will do almost anything for just about anybody. As much as he complains about doing things for people, he needs to be needed. I think it drives him crazy that I don't ask for anything. Every conversation ends with, "If you need anything, call me. Do you need some money? I don't have much, but I can give you some. Call me if you need anything. You sure you don't need anything?" I just say, "I know, Dad. I promise I'll call if I need anything." But I won't. I'll have to be pretty down and out before I ask my dad for anything. He doesn't have it to give, but he'd try like hell. And people hone right in on this and take full advantage.

But I also realized tonight, my dad has his own role in this story. He continually chooses women who take advantage of him. He doesn't say no enough - to most of the kids he's raised (not even his biological children), to the women he meets, to his customers.  I think of the times he finally had enough and got the moochers out of his house, only to still end up paying bills for them or moving a new one in. The times he's helped one of them by co-signing for something, as if they could be trusted to make the payments.

Looking around the house tonight, I realized it's more than just the structure I want to raze, it's the memories. This place saddens me. It's dirty, stained, chipped, and just plain worn out. Maybe I feel like a new place would help give dad a new outlook on life. Or maybe I just want to be more comfortable when I visit - which isn't often enough at all.  It's about me - because I'm not sure it bothers my dad all that much. Then again, I don't really know. Maybe this will be a chance to talk to him about it. If two people who would rather just do something for someone than talk about it can have that conversation!

Friday, March 1, 2013

3 Cute Policemen & a 3:30 Wake Up

It’s Friday and I’m only working a four hour day – which should be cause for celebration, but this Friday has not gotten off to a great start.

I got to bed at midnight. It seemed I had just fallen asleep when I heard a banging at the door.  My first thought was, “Dammit, the neighbors are at it again” and the noise must be coming from them. It wasn’t. My next thought was “Urchin and her boyfriend got in a fight”, but she still has a key.  After that I thought, “Great, probably some drunk idiot banging on the wrong door” and I dragged my exhausted body out of bed to peer blearily through the peephole.  What to my wondering eyes should appear? Three policemen.
PANIC! Something happened to Urchin. Why else would policemen be at my door at 3:30 in the freaking morning?
Great picture from
I cautiously opened my door and stared at them. They stared back for a moment before stumbling with what to say. “Is um, do you, um, know a Tonya?”  I told them no, I didn’t know her or another name they mentioned. Yes, I live alone. I’ve lived here since August. To which one replied to the other, “Yah it was before August when we were here last.”  I told them I got a lot of mail for Tonya D****, but I didn’t know her. Then another, who hadn’t come all the way up the stairs yet, finally stepped up and took a good look at me. “Nope, that’s not her. Sorry to wake you up, ma’am. You sure you don’t know her? No relation?” No, no relation. Again, no idea who she is.  And they apologized for waking me and left.  Now I’m super curious what Tonya did that warranted a 3:30 am visit from three cute policemen. Okay, maybe they weren’t cute. I didn’t have my glasses on and I was woken from a lovely sleep. But I’m sticking with they were cute.

Of course it took me awhile to fall back asleep – nothing like loud banging on your door in the middle of the night to get the adrenalin pumping.  Followed by a series of bizarre dreams which I’ll try to analyze later with my newly downloaded dream analysis book.

Up and at ‘em this morning, it turned into such a bad hair day I had to rewash my hair and start over. I needed to get gas and be to work earlier than usual. Bad hair day turned into a not-as-bad, but still not good, hair day. Made it to the gas station to try to use my new Safeway debit card. “See attendant.” No! I didn’t have time to see the attendant. Tried using my Safeway non-debit card. Lost my 28 cent a gallon discount. And? “See attendant.” Stomped inside huffing and being a bitch. Okay, I KNOW it wasn’t their fault. But I was quickly unraveling.  Slid club card. Slid debit card. Entered PIN.  Wouldn’t accept PIN, so I went for the credit option, forgetting Safeway JUST implemented a higher credit price per gallon. “Fuck. This is not my day” tumbled from my mouth as I stormed back out and had a mini tantrum, throwing my wallet into my car. They did get me 20 of my 28 cent discount, but I also had to pay the 8 cents more per gallon credit price.

Gas pumped, tried to start my car. The key wouldn’t go in because it was bent. All I did was pull it out of the ignition enough to stop the beeping, how did it manage to get BENT? Telling myself this is really nothing, it doesn’t even matter that I’m late for work because NOBODY CARES but me, and not to cry, I attempted to bend it back with my hands. No success. So I stuck it as far into the ignition as it would go and bent it. Success! It slid in (there's a lot of sliding in this post and none of it's fun, darnit!), and I made it to work just in time for it to be considered an “acceptable” tardiness (that it doesn't require taking personal time).

Now? The boss brought in donuts. I know I will feel sick if I eat one, so I’m not going to drown my morning woes in sugary goodness. Ahead today I still have a 2.5 hour drive for a meeting. Let’s hope the rest of my Friday goes smoothly!

So, happy Friday readers!