Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I fell asleep too early - overwhelmed by my day and lying naked in my bed. The price is being awake at midnight. The small moment of peace I felt in those moments gone, replaced by worn nerves and overloaded senses. The feel of the hair on my neck, the itch from sunburn and bug bites, the dog's coughing, the cat going in and out the cat door, the heaviness of the quilt, the ache in my jaw and pain in my ear all poking away at me.

I wonder if this is how the jack-in-the-box feels. There's Jack, all content hiding in his quiet, dark space. He  thinks he's under control now and when someone comes along and starts winding him up, he'll handle it differently this time.

But then the handle turns. The music starts. At first it's bearable and almost nice. Jack tells himself, "See you can handle this!" The music picks up speed and the click, click, click of the handle gets louder. "Just breathe, Jack. It's really not that bad. You're over reacting. If it's really bothering you, just gently open the lid and ask them to stop." He can't. He's not sure why, but he's frozen inside his once peaceful box hoping the person will get tired and move on.

It doesn't stop. The music keeps going and acts as a grater on his nerves. The clicking handle spins faster. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's...AAAGGGHHH!" It's too much and Jack explodes from the box letting all the pent up energy and emotion out in one blast.
Well, hello Jack
As the bouncing stops and the nerves calm, does Jack feel embarrassed at his over reaction? Is he abashed by his dramatic exit from the box with arms flailing? Ashamed as the look of surprise crosses someone's face?  Does he think he'll just go back into his box for a little bit. Just long enough to regroup and then he'll come out slowly and peacefully the next time, only to find himself moving through the vicious cycle again? Does he wonder how he got himself stuck in this box in the first place and if he'll ever be free of it and able to cope without hiding?

Maybe that's not how it is for Jack. Maybe it's really all fun and games to him.But I'm tired of being Jacque-in-a-box and I'm going to keep exploring how to be free.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Random Song Lyrics

I know I can't be the only one who starts to think or say or type something and immediately song lyrics pop in to finish the sentence? Or the lyrics just start playing in my head all on their own. Or I think something that isn't the exact same lyrics but in my head it goes to the melody.

What it looks like when I DON'T know the lyrics, the beat, the melody...
Trying to sing the male lyrics in Dark Horse during karaoke
And my shirt reads GEEK, in case you were wondering.
Here are a few recent ones that have happened to me:

  • I just need to let it go. Let it go, I can't hold it back anymore.
  • I'm in love. With a stripper.
  • Do you want me... Like I want you.
  • What would you do if... Your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor
  • I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. (No pre-thought on this one. It's just there.)
  • I want you to... Want me. I need you to need me.
  • It's 5 o'clock in the morning...Conversation got boring. You said you're going to bed soon.
  • There was a heart shaped bed in the middle of the room. (Another just totally odd song that I occasionally hear *%#in my head.)
  • I bang my head on my desk, I bang my head on my desk. Just bang it. (Some of you may be lucky enough to not have been exposed over and over and over to the actual song: "Whip My Hair".)
  • It wasn't me... But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me.
  • So not fair!... And I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean.
  • F*%# you...F*%# you very very much.
How many of you wound up singing some or all of the lyrics?

Also? Yesterday morning I was humming in the shower. (Have I mentioned I dislike humming?) It took me a minute to place the song. "It's a Whole New World". I haven't watched Aladdin recently.  Where the hell did that come from?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Who I Am...

I've decided to start writing again. To not think too much about it. To not worry about what people think. Today is about me.

I am
  • a mom who has never loved motherhood but who loves my children with all my heart.
  • that person who doesn't believe people actually like me. I don't say "I don't know why she doesn't like me"; I say "I don't know why they want to spend time with me!"
  • someone who rarely sends out friend requests on Facebook because I'm scared of rejection. Sounds cliché but it's true.
  • a person who is always thinking about how I can help someone else out. Even if I don't like them.
  • completely comfortable training a room of 100+ people on after school activity programming or how to use our software but who goes through major anxiety going into a social situation.
  • someone who has an extremely hard time asking for help.
  • a person who likes to come up with ideas and have others carry out the details.
  • passionate about finding a way to help parents, particularly parents of difficult or out-of-control kids.
  • a reader. 
  • a dancer.  
  • a stepmom who will never stop loving the children I helped raise.
  • very sensitive to noise. Quiet is important to me.
  • living with depression.
  • not a seller. I don't enjoy anything that involves trying to get people to buy something from me.
  • sometimes a writer.
  • learning that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic, particularly with myself. 
  • better at communicating through writing than in conversation.
  • going to make my dream come true and make a living doing work I'm passionate about.
You can help my dream come true. Can you spare $5.