Friday, January 3, 2014

Non-Disposable Words

I have disposable words and phrases. You know, those words I just toss out without thinking about them or sometimes without really meaning them. These words are easy to use. They cover a multitude of situations. They can be used to avoid an argument or appease someone.

  • I'm okay. 
  • I'm good.
  • It's fine.
  • Awesome.
  • Cool.
  • Sure.
  • Oh, yah, I know what you mean.
And then there are my non-disposable words. The ones I try very hard to only use when I mean them completely. They shouldn't be taken lightly.
Too tired to do the correct search for an image I can use -so hopefully no backlash on this one.
This was originally sold by WordsofWisdomNH. Go visit her Etsy shop.
  • You're amazing. Granted, I actually say this fairly frequently. But that is because there is no shortage of people just waiting to tell us all our flaws and faults and I've vowed to try to more often tell people the good things. I usually add specific examples of why I think you're amazing. It might be your capacity for understanding or forgiveness. Your selflessness. Your strength. Your generosity. Your ability to make me feel safe and secure (two things I almost never feel). I might say this to three different people almost simultaneously. It doesn't make it less genuine or true. Pretty much everyone has something amazing about them. Let's let them know when we see it!
  • I love you. Three of the hardest words for me to put together. I don't know why. Although I can't remember for sure, I'm thinking I probably heard them frequently growing up. At times it is harder for me to hear and believe someone loves me then it is to say I love someone, harder to believe there can be love without pain. If I do say them, I mean them. This is not a phrase I utter without thought or meaning. If I love you I also worry about you and hurt for you and want joy for you. 
  • Making love. Yes, most of you have heard me scoff at this phrase and declare it stupid and over used. My tough modern girl act. But I do believe in making love. I believe it's special and rare and not a term that should be used carelessly. It involves a level of emotional connection and commitment that most people having sex don't have. It requires a feeling of total surrender and trust. If I ask you to make love to me it means you've crossed a line with me that few others have. It means I'm opening my entire self up to you: mind, body, heart. I'm letting myself be vulnerable to you. I believe that you have the same feelings about me. And if you tell me you made love to someone, this is what I'm going to think you're talking about. You were in love with, vulnerable to, deeply attached to that person. Much, much different than having sex or any of the other variations on that phrase.
Of course there is a little more to this story. Something that got me thinking about disposable words versus my never-throw-away-lightly words. But that, alas, is a story for another time. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014


I guess I started this post several months ago when Aaroneis started his blog, Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside, and wouldn't give me the address until I wrote my own post. But this one didn't get published and I stumbled upon it today and decided to go ahead with it.  All of the first paragraph is still pretty true. Although I'm finding that maybe I just hadn't met the right person yet. I'd found the ones who were almost right, so very close but just not quite. And I found some when I wasn't right or ready. Time will tell, I suppose. 

But the things I said I missed? I don't anymore. Okay, maybe Pajamagrams, but those suckers are stupid expensive and really there are better things to spend money on. It was so amazing to read through that list and realize there was nothing left to miss. 

I am an incredibly difficult person to be involved with. I'm moody. Almost always irritated. My interest fades QUICKLY.  I'm too open, too honest, too unfiltered. It's not a challenge when I tell someone to not fall for me, that I'll lose interest in a matter of weeks, that I'm never quite sure what it is I want and so I can be quite fickle.  That actually has nothing to do with this post. I just felt like I should say it.  Chacewater 2010 Merlot is contributing to making this an even more inelegant post than usual!

ANYHOW! I've been missing some things, and it's totally my own fault they aren't part of my life right now, but here they are...

I miss...

  • That caress of my face, fingers brushing through my hair, and the light kiss on my forehead. 
  • Being tucked into bed.
  • Surprises at work. Pajamagrams. Flowers. A card. A call. A visit. Lunch.
  • Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful when I wake up with  my hair sticking straight up, major morning breath, and the horror of me with no makeup!
  • The simple texts like "I was watching you sleep this morning and am so glad you're mine" or "You're on my mind"
  • Knowing someone wants me for more than my body, for more than sex.
  • Having someone who supports me in my interests, but who will also tell me (kindly and productively) when I'm going off the deep end.
  • Someone who I know I can tell everything to and not have it used against me later. 
  • That feeling of security, stability, comfort in someone's arms. (These are good things, not boring things!)
Starting 2014 out with a road trip and two of my favorite men!

My next blog posts will likely be more serious. I stopped writing about kids, about parenting, for awhile. But people have asked me to write more. To share my own experiences, particularly the troubling times, because too many parents think they're alone. Too many parents don't realize there are others out there who screw up, who do things wrong, or who have children they were or are afraid to take in public, who had children who wound up in group homes or juvenile hall or at least seemed destined for that path...  More to come soon.