Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I fell asleep too early - overwhelmed by my day and lying naked in my bed. The price is being awake at midnight. The small moment of peace I felt in those moments gone, replaced by worn nerves and overloaded senses. The feel of the hair on my neck, the itch from sunburn and bug bites, the dog's coughing, the cat going in and out the cat door, the heaviness of the quilt, the ache in my jaw and pain in my ear all poking away at me.

I wonder if this is how the jack-in-the-box feels. There's Jack, all content hiding in his quiet, dark space. He  thinks he's under control now and when someone comes along and starts winding him up, he'll handle it differently this time.

But then the handle turns. The music starts. At first it's bearable and almost nice. Jack tells himself, "See you can handle this!" The music picks up speed and the click, click, click of the handle gets louder. "Just breathe, Jack. It's really not that bad. You're over reacting. If it's really bothering you, just gently open the lid and ask them to stop." He can't. He's not sure why, but he's frozen inside his once peaceful box hoping the person will get tired and move on.

It doesn't stop. The music keeps going and acts as a grater on his nerves. The clicking handle spins faster. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's...AAAGGGHHH!" It's too much and Jack explodes from the box letting all the pent up energy and emotion out in one blast.
Well, hello Jack
As the bouncing stops and the nerves calm, does Jack feel embarrassed at his over reaction? Is he abashed by his dramatic exit from the box with arms flailing? Ashamed as the look of surprise crosses someone's face?  Does he think he'll just go back into his box for a little bit. Just long enough to regroup and then he'll come out slowly and peacefully the next time, only to find himself moving through the vicious cycle again? Does he wonder how he got himself stuck in this box in the first place and if he'll ever be free of it and able to cope without hiding?

Maybe that's not how it is for Jack. Maybe it's really all fun and games to him.But I'm tired of being Jacque-in-a-box and I'm going to keep exploring how to be free.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Random Song Lyrics

I know I can't be the only one who starts to think or say or type something and immediately song lyrics pop in to finish the sentence? Or the lyrics just start playing in my head all on their own. Or I think something that isn't the exact same lyrics but in my head it goes to the melody.

What it looks like when I DON'T know the lyrics, the beat, the melody...
Trying to sing the male lyrics in Dark Horse during karaoke
And my shirt reads GEEK, in case you were wondering.
Here are a few recent ones that have happened to me:

  • I just need to let it go. Let it go, I can't hold it back anymore.
  • I'm in love. With a stripper.
  • Do you want me... Like I want you.
  • What would you do if... Your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor
  • I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. (No pre-thought on this one. It's just there.)
  • I want you to... Want me. I need you to need me.
  • It's 5 o'clock in the morning...Conversation got boring. You said you're going to bed soon.
  • There was a heart shaped bed in the middle of the room. (Another just totally odd song that I occasionally hear *%#in my head.)
  • I bang my head on my desk, I bang my head on my desk. Just bang it. (Some of you may be lucky enough to not have been exposed over and over and over to the actual song: "Whip My Hair".)
  • It wasn't me... But she caught me on the counter. It wasn't me. Caught me on the sofa. It wasn't me.
  • So not fair!... And I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean.
  • F*%# you...F*%# you very very much.
How many of you wound up singing some or all of the lyrics?

Also? Yesterday morning I was humming in the shower. (Have I mentioned I dislike humming?) It took me a minute to place the song. "It's a Whole New World". I haven't watched Aladdin recently.  Where the hell did that come from?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Who I Am...

I've decided to start writing again. To not think too much about it. To not worry about what people think. Today is about me.

I am
  • a mom who has never loved motherhood but who loves my children with all my heart.
  • that person who doesn't believe people actually like me. I don't say "I don't know why she doesn't like me"; I say "I don't know why they want to spend time with me!"
  • someone who rarely sends out friend requests on Facebook because I'm scared of rejection. Sounds cliché but it's true.
  • a person who is always thinking about how I can help someone else out. Even if I don't like them.
  • completely comfortable training a room of 100+ people on after school activity programming or how to use our software but who goes through major anxiety going into a social situation.
  • someone who has an extremely hard time asking for help.
  • a person who likes to come up with ideas and have others carry out the details.
  • passionate about finding a way to help parents, particularly parents of difficult or out-of-control kids.
  • a reader. 
  • a dancer.  
  • a stepmom who will never stop loving the children I helped raise.
  • very sensitive to noise. Quiet is important to me.
  • living with depression.
  • not a seller. I don't enjoy anything that involves trying to get people to buy something from me.
  • sometimes a writer.
  • learning that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic, particularly with myself. 
  • better at communicating through writing than in conversation.
  • going to make my dream come true and make a living doing work I'm passionate about.
You can help my dream come true. Can you spare $5.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Crazy Busy and Random Days

I haven’t written on my blog in ages. Why? A combination of laziness and of wanting the perfect post (there is no such thing, by the way) and of getting great ideas when I can’t really write them down and then forgetting them when I can write them down.  But I decided I needed to get something posted, because that one on being a cheater has been the first thing people see on my page for a little too long. And I’ve gotten some crap for that post, believe me. I won’t delete it, though. I’ve deleted too many posts over the last few years because someone was offended or bothered or whatever.

So this is just a “hey, how are you, this is what’s new with me” post. Nothing really funny or enlightening.  Hmm, maybe this shouldn’t be the first things visitors to my page see, either. Oh well, over thinking things again.
Hi! How are you? My half-assed attempt at a retro look.
Life has been crazy-fucking-busy lately. I became a Beachbody coach. Then realized I don’t have the time, and maybe not the true desire, to spend building a business. So I’m mostly doing it for the discount on Beachbody products. Shakeology, which I resisted spending money on for months, has become my main breakfast staple. Where else can I get like 5 bowls of salad and a bunch of supplements worth of nutrients in one meal that’s super easy to make? And doesn’t make me feel bloated. 

I completed the 21 Day Fix program and the workouts are great. 30 minutes that leave you sweaty and often sore along with a meal plan (which I did not follow well). I gained four pounds but lost 8.5 inches overall that month.  Then I had the great idea to get certified in some kind of group fitness thing. I mean, I’m working out anyway and I like helping people. So in July I’m going to Reno to get certified in PiYo.

Remember how I hate running. How I swore I’d be eaten first by zombies because I still wouldn’t run? Well, I’ve been running. Do I love it? Hell no. Have I experienced that runner’s high that dedicated runner’s talk about? Nope. Am I addicted? Nope. But I like being able to run a 5k. It feels like an accomplishment to be proud of. In December I could barely run a mile. January through March I was running between 2 and 4 miles at anywhere from a pace of 9:30 to 10:30. 

Before my first 5k: Zombie Run.
Since March, I’ve done a few runs but now my run time is like 11 minutes. I'm not very happy with that:
  • ·         5k Zombie Run. Not much running involved there, but it was fun. Zombies, mud, obstacles? A blast.
  • ·         12k Rocklin Run. And ran pretty much the whole thing. Maybe not the best idea. I finished in about 1:22:00 and was in pain for the next month. For weeks I couldn’t run at all because every step was like knives being thrust into my quads.
  • ·         5k Extreme Mud Run. LOTS of mud, a little running, some okay obstacles. I still loved it.
  • After my first 5k: Zombie Run. I got infected. Aaron did not.
  • ·         Now Glowing. A 5k glow run that started with a pre-run show of Mary Lambert. (Okay I have to say that might not have been the best way to get people ready to run. She was amazing, but also kind of depressing and slow paced.) I got to spend time with a close friend, my daughter and boyfriend. And afterwards I drank two beers and ate chili cheese fries while Goo Goo Dolls performed. I’m still bummed that the handprints I had my boyfriend put on my shorts with glow in the dark paint didn’t actually glow. But our tutus turned out great, so there’s that.

Oh, and I turned 40.

Turning 40 at Dive Bar in Sac.
Good friends, drinks, dueling pianists, and mermaids.

What’s upcoming? (In other words, please come back because I really will be posting more often and you’re page views are sometimes the only thing that keep me going.)
  • ·         The Birthday Giving Project.
  • ·         The joys of moving into a fabulous, large house with kids who don’t seem to be happy unless they’re complaining about everything.
  • ·         Celebrating Superman Day.
  • ·         Celebrating Recess at Work Day.
  • ·         Diving into studies on the law of attraction with Bob Doyle and Rhonda Byrne.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lessons from a Cheater

I’ve been a cheater. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m not going to try to justify it. I’m not going to give you my back story or blame my exes or tell you why.  But listening to a friend’s story today, I thought of a few things I could share with those who believe that they've met their soulmate as a result of an affair...
  • I seriously doubt that the person you’ve never spent more than a few hours at a time with is your soulmate. Let’s see how that holds up when you spend day after day and night after night together, when one of you is sick or mad, when you’re arguing about how to best deal with the ex or each other’s kids.  You know, that stuff you’re avoiding with your current partner…
  • You know that butterflies-in-the-stomach, giddy, can’t stand to be away from each other feeling you have right now that makes you THINK your soulmates? What are you going to do when that ends? Because even if it doesn’t completely stop, it’s going to diminish.  Remember when you had it with your current significant other? And you thought it would last forever? Obviously you were wrong then, what makes you so sure you’re right now?
  •  Remember that part of the excitement comes from the thrill of secrecy, the clandestine nature of an affair. Will there be something left when that subsides?
  • Of course there’s a chance that this person really is your soulmate – but after a few months of secret meetings and a few hours snatched here and there, how likely is that? Imagine your current life with this person instead of the one you’re with. Would  you still think he/she is the one you're meant to be with forever?
  • Going to marriage counseling with your spouse one day and out with your new flame the next day doesn't qualify as working on your marriage. You don't get the best of both worlds, you have to choose. You think choosing is hard? Imagine what your partner is going through. S/He chose you, still chooses you, and they are in pain knowing you're struggling to choose between her/him and someone else. 
I didn't meet my soulmate. I didn't leave my marriages to be with a specific person (although that didn't mean I wasn't seeing someone) but rather because I knew I couldn't be with this person any longer, for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, the way I went about that wasn't great. I'm not an expert on anything - but I know that initial excitement wears off pretty quickly once you're free to spend all the time you want together. I've seen more than a few marriages fail as the result of someone meeting their soulmate only to discover that once the dust settled, the new relationship wasn't really any better than the last. 

So those are my lessons - take 'em or leave 'em. Just more of my random thoughts.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

4 Tips on How to be a Good Customer

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to be a good customer. Mostly just to be kind and considerate. Unfortunately in today’s world, those aren’t widely abundant characteristics in customers.  Here are some tips for you. I’m writing these as someone who has worked fast food and retail and now volunteers at a coffee shop during the closing shift.

1.       Don’t take up valuable space.
a.       If you’re going to hang out for hours, buy something. You’re taking up space that could go to a paying customer.  The WiFi, heat/air conditioning, lighting you’re taking advantage of don’t come free. If paying customers come in and see there’s no place to sit, many will just leave. Without even buying anything. You’re nice little hang out spot is going to close up shop if it’s not making money. Buy a $2 cup of tea and get a $1 refill for every hour you spend in the shop. Or just make a flat out donation.
b.      Don’t spread out and take up three spaces. That’s two people who could potentially leave when they could have had a place to sit.
c.       If you’re alone or with one other person, don’t take over a table set up for four to six (or even eight) when smaller tables are available.  
d.      If you know in advance you’ll have a larger group and/or will be staying awhile, see if the meeting room is available. That opens up space for customers who aren’t staying as long.

2.       Don’t walk in 10 minutes before closing. How annoying is it to be just about ready to close and someone wants something that will require dirtying appliances and dishes.  This is like when you’ve just completely cleaned your kitchen at home and are rinsing the final dish and someone walks in with a stack of dirty dishes while tracking mud across the clean floor. You were almost done! You saw the light at the end of the tunnel. WHERE were these dishes when you asked for them 15 minutes ago? My personal rule is to try very hard not to enter any store less than 30 minutes before they close.  

3.       Do not hang out past closing. Music is off, front door is locked, lights are dimmed, mop is brought out, it’s been announced that the store has closed? These are all your signal to get the hell out. The people helping you are at the end of a closing shift. Closing sucks. They don’t get to go home unless everything is done. The shift before just leaves when their time is up. But the closing shift has to leave everything ready for the morning shift to come in and go straight to work. If customers are lingering about, there are tasks that can’t be done. Which means those poor people will be leaving later, and if they get paid hourly their bosses are freaking out because bosses think the closing should be done by XX:XX pm, so what’s the problem?! And if they don’t get paid at all? They’re wanting to get out of there as soon as humanly possible. Not to mention they’re all drawing straws to see who gets to be the tough guy and kick you out this time. Because, ya know, it’s always the same people who just won’t leave.

4.       Be realistic. If you just stood in line listening to the group ahead of you order for 12 people, realize that your order might take some time. If this is going to be a problem, ask if your order could possibly go before the large order or somewhere in the middle. But don’t go sit down and then pretend like you had NO idea there were so many orders ahead of yours and act all outraged.

Of course there are many more tips I could give on being a good customer, but as I head off to another four hour shift of working for free, these are the ones that will most be on my mind!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Non-Disposable Words

I have disposable words and phrases. You know, those words I just toss out without thinking about them or sometimes without really meaning them. These words are easy to use. They cover a multitude of situations. They can be used to avoid an argument or appease someone.

  • I'm okay. 
  • I'm good.
  • It's fine.
  • Awesome.
  • Cool.
  • Sure.
  • Oh, yah, I know what you mean.
And then there are my non-disposable words. The ones I try very hard to only use when I mean them completely. They shouldn't be taken lightly.
Too tired to do the correct search for an image I can use -so hopefully no backlash on this one.
This was originally sold by WordsofWisdomNH. Go visit her Etsy shop.
  • You're amazing. Granted, I actually say this fairly frequently. But that is because there is no shortage of people just waiting to tell us all our flaws and faults and I've vowed to try to more often tell people the good things. I usually add specific examples of why I think you're amazing. It might be your capacity for understanding or forgiveness. Your selflessness. Your strength. Your generosity. Your ability to make me feel safe and secure (two things I almost never feel). I might say this to three different people almost simultaneously. It doesn't make it less genuine or true. Pretty much everyone has something amazing about them. Let's let them know when we see it!
  • I love you. Three of the hardest words for me to put together. I don't know why. Although I can't remember for sure, I'm thinking I probably heard them frequently growing up. At times it is harder for me to hear and believe someone loves me then it is to say I love someone, harder to believe there can be love without pain. If I do say them, I mean them. This is not a phrase I utter without thought or meaning. If I love you I also worry about you and hurt for you and want joy for you. 
  • Making love. Yes, most of you have heard me scoff at this phrase and declare it stupid and over used. My tough modern girl act. But I do believe in making love. I believe it's special and rare and not a term that should be used carelessly. It involves a level of emotional connection and commitment that most people having sex don't have. It requires a feeling of total surrender and trust. If I ask you to make love to me it means you've crossed a line with me that few others have. It means I'm opening my entire self up to you: mind, body, heart. I'm letting myself be vulnerable to you. I believe that you have the same feelings about me. And if you tell me you made love to someone, this is what I'm going to think you're talking about. You were in love with, vulnerable to, deeply attached to that person. Much, much different than having sex or any of the other variations on that phrase.
Of course there is a little more to this story. Something that got me thinking about disposable words versus my never-throw-away-lightly words. But that, alas, is a story for another time. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014


I guess I started this post several months ago when Aaroneis started his blog, Pessimistic Optimism from Mr. Brightside, and wouldn't give me the address until I wrote my own post. But this one didn't get published and I stumbled upon it today and decided to go ahead with it.  All of the first paragraph is still pretty true. Although I'm finding that maybe I just hadn't met the right person yet. I'd found the ones who were almost right, so very close but just not quite. And I found some when I wasn't right or ready. Time will tell, I suppose. 

But the things I said I missed? I don't anymore. Okay, maybe Pajamagrams, but those suckers are stupid expensive and really there are better things to spend money on. It was so amazing to read through that list and realize there was nothing left to miss. 

I am an incredibly difficult person to be involved with. I'm moody. Almost always irritated. My interest fades QUICKLY.  I'm too open, too honest, too unfiltered. It's not a challenge when I tell someone to not fall for me, that I'll lose interest in a matter of weeks, that I'm never quite sure what it is I want and so I can be quite fickle.  That actually has nothing to do with this post. I just felt like I should say it.  Chacewater 2010 Merlot is contributing to making this an even more inelegant post than usual!

ANYHOW! I've been missing some things, and it's totally my own fault they aren't part of my life right now, but here they are...

I miss...

  • That caress of my face, fingers brushing through my hair, and the light kiss on my forehead. 
  • Being tucked into bed.
  • Surprises at work. Pajamagrams. Flowers. A card. A call. A visit. Lunch.
  • Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful when I wake up with  my hair sticking straight up, major morning breath, and the horror of me with no makeup!
  • The simple texts like "I was watching you sleep this morning and am so glad you're mine" or "You're on my mind"
  • Knowing someone wants me for more than my body, for more than sex.
  • Having someone who supports me in my interests, but who will also tell me (kindly and productively) when I'm going off the deep end.
  • Someone who I know I can tell everything to and not have it used against me later. 
  • That feeling of security, stability, comfort in someone's arms. (These are good things, not boring things!)
Starting 2014 out with a road trip and two of my favorite men!

My next blog posts will likely be more serious. I stopped writing about kids, about parenting, for awhile. But people have asked me to write more. To share my own experiences, particularly the troubling times, because too many parents think they're alone. Too many parents don't realize there are others out there who screw up, who do things wrong, or who have children they were or are afraid to take in public, who had children who wound up in group homes or juvenile hall or at least seemed destined for that path...  More to come soon.