Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Taking Sides

I was going to post this on my Facebook page, but I figured I might as well actually use my blog for something! You may have noticed a lot of posts on my FB, Twitter, and various blogs about friendship lately.  This is weighing heavily on my mind, as I have no family in the state where I live. The closest family is 7 hours away, then 8.5 hours away, then 13+ hours away. So I need friends. But I apparently suck at deciding who is a good friend. I'm too trusting. Not to mention it can be hard to be my friend, which I discussed in a previous post.

Great photo by Strep72.

I've had major crap going on in my life since March. My husband and I separated. It started out amicable and quickly became vile. This was due to a woman who apparently thought it was okay to pretend to be my friend and then say horrible lies to my husband. She not only hurt me in the process, she hurt him. Anyway, the move was short-lived and I went back home. Now, well, things are tumultuous again. I take responsibility for my part in this, because basically it is pretty much all me. It's a topic for another post. But as someone else pointed out, it is extremely rare for these things to be 100% one person's fault. And I refuse to continue thinking that because I don't feel what others think I should feel that makes me a horrible person.

For all of you who feel the need to judge and be hateful, you aren't the kind of friends any of us really need. There are ALWAYS two sides to a story. There are things you will probably never know about, that aren't any of your damn business. For those who feel the need to bash me rather than just say, "Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you" and step away, well too bad on you.  I've made some fucked up mistakes. I've hurt people - but never intentionally. I have some major self analyzing to do. I need to figure out what drives me to do some of the things I do, and that might mean not being around/with certain people. If you don't like me or my choices, be mature. Unfriend me. Go your separate ways, but don't go around bashing me to anyone who will listen. There are many good things about me, which you would know if you ever took the time to actually get to know me.

Also, thank you to my friends for letting me vent and tell you my hurts. But that doesn't make it okay to bash my husband. I love him and will always love him. Regardless of what happens in our marriage, he is a good man who loves with his whole heart. He will be there for anyone - even those who have betrayed and hurt him in the past. I often wonder at his ability to forgive. I appreciate your efforts to help me see that I'm valuable in my own way. And for those of you who try to encourage me and be there for me without saying horrid things about him, I truly appreciate it.

I don't know what the future holds. But I know that my husband, my kids, and I need people who want to be there for us and not perpetuate hatefulness. It doesn't make any of us feel better.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Only a Friend

As you may have picked up from my last post on Best Friends or Frenemies, a lot has happened lately in my life. And it's involved losing some people I considered friends.

One particular "friend" didn't just give up when I needed her most - she went out of her way to create chaos in my life.  And her response when I finally voiced my feelings was "I was only a friend."

We'd been friends for awhile but mostly kept in touch on Facebook. We didn't talk on the phone, or text, or chat. So I guess I should have thought it was weird when in March she suddenly started calling and texting me. Asking questions about my life. But I didn't, and because things were such a mess, I welcomed the opportunity to have her to talk to about it.

When I look back at the texts, I can see the leading questions now. I see the signs. When I think about the other person involved in this I know I should have questioned their many conversations and their relationship. But I didn't. I shared my confusion, my guilt, my despair, my anger and my frustration with her. She told me I could tell her anything. That I could trust her. That she didn't judge, hated drama, didn't lie, and would always be there. I answered her questions. I told her my secrets and my fears. I asked her opinions.

And the entire time she was telling someone else every thing I said and several things I hadn't said. The amount of pain this person caused both of us is heart wrenching. A tense situation escalated to explosive proportions. The only thing that settled things down was the fact that I'd saved most of the texts and could prove that all the horrible things the third party had heard weren't in fact what I'd said.

That phrase, "I was only a friend", just won't leave my mind.  I can't imagine saying that to my friends. It's okay to hurt and betray me because you're only a friend and that other person is a sibling, relative, or spouse? It's okay to hide your relationship with someone I know because you're only a friend?  It's okay to use me to further that relationship, to make up lies that hurt that person and me, because you're only a friend?  It's okay to decide to finally side with that other person and send me horrible, nasty texts and then when the other person realizes what's been going on to give a fake apology to me? While still trying to sway the other person?

With the kind of friends I've realized I have lately, I sure as hell don't need any enemies!