Saturday, November 11, 2017

10 minutes in my manic brain

I’m cycling into mania. I live with bipolar disorder. I want to do all the things. I don’t want to sleep. I have a million FABULOUS ideas. Why doesn’t everyone see how fabulous my ideas are and be part of them? Wait, if I recognize it does that mean it’s not really mania? What if I’m just going crazy?  I should make presents for everyone. Right now. At 1:45 am. No, I should clean. No, I should write everyone letters about how much I love them. I should record tutorials. I should write blogs. I should write soldiers. I should write more prisoners. Imagine their lives. Imagine the many who have lost or are losing hope. The many who are wrongfully convicted. The many who made an awful decision but who are truly remorseful. Those who will get out of prison after many years not at all knowing the strange new world they’re coming into. What is wrong with our society? I should get a law degree so I can help people. That’s way too much school and I have a hard time with boundaries. That won’t work. A paralegal degree? Yes, I should enroll RIGHT NOW. Oh, I bet my niece would love this present! I guess I understand why veterans don’t like being told “Thank you for your service”. Some feel like they didn’t join to be of service, if we knew what they were thinking at the time we wouldn’t be thanking them, that we have no idea what it truly means to serve. But for civilians they mean it. They appreciate those who made sacrifices many of us will never know or understand. They’re hoping to make up for a generation that spit on those coming home from war.  Should we say, “I’m glad you came home”? Thank you for your sacrifices? We all understand sacrifices although not at the level as our veterans. I should go visit the veterans’ home tomorrow. I should make it a habit. I should make them a postcard album. But I’d have to tell people not to write “Thank you for your service”.  Maybe there are lonely veterans who don’t really have anyone and I could brighten their days and help them feel loved and hopeful.
What’s that taste in my mouth? Orange juice shouldn’t leave a metallic taste. Yuck. I want coffee. Coffee won’t help me sleep. Not sleeping makes the mania more pronounced and sometimes increases the cycling of depression/mania. I should read something inspirational. I can’t sit still and focus that long right now. I wonder if Aaron is really happy. I don’t think this is the relationship he envisioned when we me, when he proposed, when he married me. But then I was honest, too honest, when we first met and he knew what he was getting into. Do my stepkids hate me? Past and present stepkids. Although they’re all mine. They’ll all always be mine. All 7 of them. I’ll be just a phone call, a text, away. I’ve made so many mistakes. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know I always just wanted the best for them? Do all my children know this? My sister-in-law and brother have done such an amazing job being parents. They’re close with their kids, they play with them, laugh with them, cry with them, discipline and set expectations with them. I’ve made so many bad decisions in my life. Maybe some people are right. I’m a toxic person, I hurt people, I’m too negative, I’m really selfish but I convince people I’m not, I take advantage of people… No, no I’m not. I’ve helped so many people, been there for people, and I always truly want to help and make things better. Every time someone mentions a worry, a problem, to me my mind and heart instantly go into fix it mode. I have to work hard to simmer it down because it drains me and I give too much to stay healthy myself…

This is about 10 minutes in my brain and it's not all of it. And I think you’re right there with me. So I say things or ask questions that seem really random. But they make total sense in my brain and I can’t understand why you’re so slow at catching on.

Thank you for being patient with me, for being my friend after I make grandiose plans and then fall of the face of the earth for a bit. This is why you might get a bazillion texts in a row from me and then nothing for days/weeks/months. And those texts will probably be completely random.