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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Petrified

Some mornings, too many mornings, I wake up warm and cozy with my fleece sheets pulled up to my chin. And I feel petrified - emotionally and physically. I feel I can't possibly get myself out of bed for yet another day. My body feels made of stone.The simple acts of shower, make-up, hair, and finding something to wear seem like too much. I curl into a ball thinking about another day behind a computer, wearing headphones to help limit the noise that sets off my anxiety, forcing myself to interact with people for 8 hours, trying not to be irritated by everything around me. The argument with myself begins. Of course I can do this. I can get out of my bed and get the day going. I have a good life. Friends who care, people who love me, a good paying job for a great family friendly company. And yet moving - getting out of my bed - takes so much out of me I wonder what I'll have left for the rest of the day. If it's a good day, there's no pain anywhere. My joints don't hurt. My shoulder doesn't ache. If it's a really good day, once I get myself moving the day doesn't take quite as much energy and I can have a "normal" day.

I suffer from bipolar disorder. For me, the manias are rare but do happen. The depression is frequent. I've tried most medications and had various issues with the majority of them. I can't "snap out of it", as much as I'd like to do just that. I'd love to wake up and say, "Today I won't be depressed or anxious. Today I won't be so tired and achy that a day at work takes everything out of me." In fact I do wake up and say those things. But sometimes it's really not about "mind over matter".

This is my life. Some people can't handle it: the ups and downs and never being quite sure where I'll be at next, the overreactions, the irritability. I can't say I blame them. For those who have managed to stick around, I say thank you. It is because of you I'm still here and making it through another day.

6/2/14 Update:
Turns out I'm not bipolar. I suffer from depression. Although apparently note severe enough for my insurance to pay 50% of my medical bills. It's considered mild, so they pay 30%. Whatever, right? Anyhow, the last two psychiatrists decided I have some anxiety and depression, at times impulse control, but not bipolar disorder. I'm also what's called a Highly Sensitive Person. It explains a lot, actually. But so far knowing that isn't making the fact that I've spent most of the last two days hiding in my room wishing the world would just BE QUIET any easier to deal with. At least now I know I'm not crazy or just a bitch...

7 comments:

  1. {{{{Hugs}}}} Depression in all forms is so misunderstood by those who don't have first hand experience. I've had those days. Thankfully my depression is easier to control through medication. I wish there was an easier answer for you!

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    1. Thanks, Sherri. It's definitely been worse in the past, so I'm thankful that I'm at least able to get to work most days and function pretty well. I just wish it didn't take so much energy to do the smallest things!

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  2. I wake up and say "this is the youngest I'm going to be, this is the prettiest I'm going to be, I am not going to waste this precious day". It helps but is not a miracle cure.

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  3. I am not going anywhere and I will support you however I can.

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    1. Thank you! You've been there for me numerous times in the past and I appreciate it so!

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  4. I don't have the manias, though sometimes I wish I were bipolar, just so that I could occasionally get shit done. I'm sure it's not as great as I imagine it to be. Anyway, I totally get the depression + anxiety angle. It takes everything I have to will myself to leave the house each day. Often, the anxiety wins and I miss another work day. As far as the grateful goes, I above all know I live a fairly charmed life. It only makes me hate myself more that I don't greet each day with a wink and a smile. Thanks for helping take the edge off with your candor. They say misery loves company, but really it's just good too know I'm not alone in these feelings.

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    1. Honestly, sometimes I miss the mania. There are parts of it that are awful - but I did get a lot done and seemed to be so incredibly creative when I was manic. Now? I just have to find another way to tap into that creativity. It's in me - if it can come out during mania, then it's there at other times - it's just how to let it out.

      I'm so sorry you suffer with the depression and anxiety - it can become a vicious cycle. You're anxious and can't do things which then leads to depression which then causes more anxiety! And it's oh so easy to let that lead us to hating ourselves. But each day we have to remind ourselves that we have a disability and that some days will be better than others. If we can love ourselves we can better deal with the lows. So much easier said than done, I know!

      Best wishes and thank you for your comment!

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