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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Taking Sides

I was going to post this on my Facebook page, but I figured I might as well actually use my blog for something! You may have noticed a lot of posts on my FB, Twitter, and various blogs about friendship lately.  This is weighing heavily on my mind, as I have no family in the state where I live. The closest family is 7 hours away, then 8.5 hours away, then 13+ hours away. So I need friends. But I apparently suck at deciding who is a good friend. I'm too trusting. Not to mention it can be hard to be my friend, which I discussed in a previous post.

Great photo by Strep72.

I've had major crap going on in my life since March. My husband and I separated. It started out amicable and quickly became vile. This was due to a woman who apparently thought it was okay to pretend to be my friend and then say horrible lies to my husband. She not only hurt me in the process, she hurt him. Anyway, the move was short-lived and I went back home. Now, well, things are tumultuous again. I take responsibility for my part in this, because basically it is pretty much all me. It's a topic for another post. But as someone else pointed out, it is extremely rare for these things to be 100% one person's fault. And I refuse to continue thinking that because I don't feel what others think I should feel that makes me a horrible person.

For all of you who feel the need to judge and be hateful, you aren't the kind of friends any of us really need. There are ALWAYS two sides to a story. There are things you will probably never know about, that aren't any of your damn business. For those who feel the need to bash me rather than just say, "Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you" and step away, well too bad on you.  I've made some fucked up mistakes. I've hurt people - but never intentionally. I have some major self analyzing to do. I need to figure out what drives me to do some of the things I do, and that might mean not being around/with certain people. If you don't like me or my choices, be mature. Unfriend me. Go your separate ways, but don't go around bashing me to anyone who will listen. There are many good things about me, which you would know if you ever took the time to actually get to know me.

Also, thank you to my friends for letting me vent and tell you my hurts. But that doesn't make it okay to bash my husband. I love him and will always love him. Regardless of what happens in our marriage, he is a good man who loves with his whole heart. He will be there for anyone - even those who have betrayed and hurt him in the past. I often wonder at his ability to forgive. I appreciate your efforts to help me see that I'm valuable in my own way. And for those of you who try to encourage me and be there for me without saying horrid things about him, I truly appreciate it.

I don't know what the future holds. But I know that my husband, my kids, and I need people who want to be there for us and not perpetuate hatefulness. It doesn't make any of us feel better.

13 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear things are bad again hun. Good true friends are hard to find. I recently reconnected with an old friend I had lost touch with. It was like we had never been apart. Real friendship does not die. I moves on or waits to reconnect. I don't think a real friend would bash you or speak ill of you regardless of the circumstances. I hope you and your husband can work things out.

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    1. Thanks, Kait! I just want to stay as peaceful as possible no matter what happens. I know that's so hard when someone is hurting.

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  2. Agree on bashing the soon to be ex(whichever side the fence you are)

    Unfortunately, it will happen. people take sides then want to defend that person.

    Good luck and hope it stays civilized

    BGFF

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  3. Sounds like a roller coaster ride ! In regards to the sentence about (refusing to feel like a horrible person because you dont feel what other people think you should feel?) In those times that you have felt or not felt what consequences did others endure ? perhaps thats where you are considered a horrible person during those aftermaths , however it doesnt mean you are always a horrible person but in those times its obvious you need to own it .

    People will always gossip and talk stuff its what "WE" do !

    Sounds like Your Husband is also rare and not very common .


    Good luck to you all .

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    1. This mostly pertains to people feeling like I should love and want to be with someone based on what they know about that person. Yes, he's a good guy. Yes, I love him. Yes, he'll be hurt if we aren't together. I own the times that I've been awful to him - those close to us know the details and know that I take responsibility for it - but I'm done being made to feel horrible because I don't love someone in the same way they love me.

      Thanks for your comment!

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  4. My heart is heavy reading this post especially last comment.My ex continued to hurt me even though it was obvious my ex didn't love me in the same way I did! How does one take responsibility after the level of hurt has been one way? Then say that you know that person will hurt because they love you more than you them. I trully hope you all the best and based on my experience I'd just wished my ex would have let me go long before he continued to hurt me knowing I loved him but not him me.

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    1. I'm sorry you are hurting! I think once you realize the love is one way, that's when you both have to take responsibility to end it. I can't say that my marriage is a one way love. I do love my husband. It's often been said that one person in the relationship always loves more than the other, and that throughout time that can switch back and forth. But I think if one person doesn't love at all or knows it's not enough to maintain a healthy relationship, it's time to move on. It will hurt, a lot, in the short term but at least ten or twenty years later the hurt won't still be occurring. Does that make sense? Love and relationships are so difficult, and many of us have never had examples of healthy, positive relationship. Also, many of us aren't willing to accept responsibility for unhealthy behaviors. I wish I had answers - but I don't. I just continue going forward and try not to repeat the same patterns of destruction and hurt any longer.

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  5. You asked me if it makes sense umm no. Are you sure your not my ex husband? Realizing yours and in my case his "love" was not enough to maintain a healthy relationship came to late after that lack of love caused so much hurt! Does that make sense? And after so called taking responsibility of his actions by trying to change after he caused me so much trauma since I did possess the amount of love needed was even more traumatic! Does that make sense? Thanks for letting me vent!

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    1. No, I suppose it doesn't really make sense. Are you sure you aren't my husband? Just kidding.

      Yes, sometimes the realization comes too late. I wish it didn't. Right now I'm not even sure that it's that my love isn't enough. I'm not enough. I am realizing each day that I'm more fucked up than I thought - that I was in denial about certain aspects of myself. That as much as I say that I try not to blame and that I take responsibility, that's not really the 100% truth.

      Vent anytime! I appreciate people who challenge my way of thinking without being attacking or rude!

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  6. Sorry had a getaway with said ex husband well to be honest we never really divorced. I however got up the strength and moved away from the epicenter of the situation. I had to properly heal once and for all so I to good be enough for me my kids and my husband! Sounds like you are seeing things from a different angle! For a brief moment imagine me and your husband loving and not giving up on our estranged spouses! Obviously our spouses were worth the pain. I lost myself as I'm sure your husband did as well. Blogs books and movies seem to speak my life so I guess we are not unique just unique to our own issues! I'm not perfect by any means but finding myself also helped find my husband. Good luck and keep it real .........faith and honor :)

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  7. Thanks for your comment! My husband has lost himself in me, and I think when we separate that's part of what draws us back together - I see the old him: the happy, social, laid back man. But being with me drains him of that. So I definitely have to fix myself before I can be with him or anyone else. He isn't perfect, of course, and is working on a few of his own issues. So who knows what the future holds. We do love each other, but we're also addicted to each other and we don't give each other or ourselves much respect.

    I'm so glad you were able to find your self and your husband!

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  8. Hence what happens when we loose ourselves ....no respect for anything or anyone including oneself, but no scape goats to our decisions! Love is a bond that people often fail at breaking. Listen to me as if I know it all :) seperation I feel is the plan from above ....its a hey you two take a time out knock your crap off and get back to being manageable and peaceful! What I find unique is even when we are lost we still manage to love and put the jerk first? So imagine when we find ourselves how much more love we have kinda crazy! !! Anyways thanks for not writing me off yet most people are taken aback from my anonymous comments :( one of many changes that helped my husband ...no personal association to strangers ..no names no email address no phone ...just thoughts how ironic awkward and random thoughts ...winking! Thinking of you and yours ....well and positive thoughts!

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