Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Choosing Fun over Healthy

I want to vent and complain, but I can't. Not here. Not yet. Not about this. Partly because I'm hurt and angry, and the people I want to vent about are hurt and angry, and frankly we all need to take some time and calm down!

And now I've totally forgotten what I was going to write about instead. I'm truly a hot mess these days. I can't remember what I did an hour ago. Is it meds? Is it stress? Am I just going crazy? All of the above?

Anyway, I recently posted about my problems with bipolar disorder and addiction. I asked for friends willing to help me be accountable. This is hard for me... I say I want this, but it's not so easy to accept when they actually start doing it. I've said it before: I have a tendency to not only justify things on my own but have others around me who justify for me. They tell me I have every right to do what I'm doing because of this, that, and the other thing going on in my life or done to me.

This pretty much sums me up! Image from Autistm - Day by Day

Well, let me tell you, if you want someone who takes this accountability (and your well-being) seriously, TheBorgBlog is the person to have in your life. I was fortunate enough to meet her through Twitter at #wineparty. (Read her post #crankypants and #wineparty confessions... to find out more, especially if you're on Twitter and find yourself at home bored on a Friday night.) I began reading her blog - which I thoroughly enjoy - and tweeting with her. We've gotten to know each other through email and eventually texting. She's an awesome friend. And now she's helping hold me accountable.

A few things she knows about me:

  • It's important for me to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night to help manage my bipolar disorder.
  • I need to exercise at least a couple of days a week to help relieve stress and stay in shape. 
  • I tend to do things I want before the things I need. 
  • The details of my addiction. What kind it is, how it's affected my life lately, and so on.
  • Alcohol, while not my addiction, makes it more likely I'll give in to my addiction.
  • I need quiet time to myself to stay stable and sane.
Photo from Sugar Doodle. Check out Nicole's Value Posters for more!
So last night I had a plan: go home and check on the 5 teen boys in my house, pick up a few groceries and prep some healthy meals for myself for the week, go to the gym, go to bed by 10.  I went home. I saw the boys needed food, which meant going to my most hated place (Wal-Mart), and off I went. I also needed some cards, which take me forever to pick out, so I wound up being in that dreaded store for over an hour. I also had to stop for gas and go to Safeway for a few things. I don't like to work out after 8:30 or so because then I can't get to sleep. (All justifications/excuses, I realize.) So when a friend texted and invited me over for a glass of wine and daughter's birthday dinner, I said sure. Took the groceries home and headed over. 
TheBorgBlog very kindly, but firmly, pointed out to me that it's much more fun to go to someone's daughter's birthday party and be with people than stick to my plan to do things that are healthy for me. I wouldn't be taking time for myself, working out, or (probably) getting to bed on time. She pointed out the things I say  I want to do versus the things I end up choosing to do.  Which is exactly what got me into trouble last week. 

Another friend asked what I ate yesterday and when I told him, he was so kind as to point out that I probably feel so tired all the time because almost everything I eat comes from a box. 

Today's lunch. Marie Callender's Smoky Bacon & Cheddar Mac.

I continue to go forward - attending meetings, making appointments, setting bottom lines, and making healthier choices. I'm grateful for the people in my life who are stepping forward to help me be accountable for the choices I make - who are helping me really think about the choice and what could come of it. 

I wish I'd taken many of these steps years ago. I can't change that. But I can move forward much more positively.  Thank you all so much for helping me in my journey.


  1. I need more people like that in my life. I'm not bipolar, but have major issues with depression and anxiety and I have NO will power to do the things I know I want to do, but in all reality, don't do. Today has been decent. I made a couple phone calls and picked up my house (it's not clean... I didn't dust or vacuum or mop, but it looks okay.) But I literally had to FORCE myself out of bed this morning at 9... yeah... not early at all. But compared to my usual 11 or 12, it was a HUGE accomplishment. Anyways, so glad for you that you have those around you to keep you in check. We all need people like that.

    1. You know where to find me! ;)

    2. When I hit the depressed stage, I'm exactly like what you describe above. Getting out of bed takes all my energy. I don't want to leave the house, I think I'm no good at anything, every tiny thing takes SO much energy because I have to force and convince myself to do it.

      I hope you can find something to relieve the depression and anxiety soon. And you can find BorgBlogger and I on Twitter and Facebook! :)

    3. Ugh! I just found you and hope you'll continue blogging here. I can COMPLETELY relate. I've never been diagnosed, but I have multiple symptoms of ADD/HD. As an adult, it tends to look different than it does in children. I'm moody, get frustrated, depression, exhaustion, extremes, etc. I also sway between habits that aren't healthy, but help sooth the symptoms. I'm a work in progress, I guess. The thing about people is that everything we experience is personal and through our own lense. Sometimes other people may think they can relate, but disagree. Their lense is different. It doesn't mean yours is wrong. Does that make any sense? I'm also very random. Thanks for sharing.

    4. Lucy, I think I'm going to stick around. I've updated my posts to remove certain information, deleted entire posts, and also had posts I've written for other sites deleted in order to help those hurt feel better. I'll think more about what I write - but I will still write.

      You make total sense. We can have the same illness, disease, addiction - but it's different in each of us. The ways we react, the symptoms we suffer, our recovery aren't going to be exactly the same. But sometimes just knowing we aren't alone makes a world of difference!

  2. There has to be a happy medium right? Because I'm the EXACT opposite. I will do 10billion things I need or "need" to do before the things I want to do. Sigh. Moderation in all things. Maybe we will even out one day :)

    Not to gang up, but doing the real food thing really does help a TON. And if you prep it all in one day it takes about an hour total. That's helped me free up time AND feel better!! Good luck!

    1. I need someone to prep my food for me? Will you? Since it isn't likely something you'll want to do, I can imagine you'll do it before those things, right? ;) You know where to find me! I'll be waiting! :D Thanks!

      On a serious note, yes, there has to be a happy medium. Note that Inelegant mentioned doing things that were healthy for you. Taking care of yourself and taking a break is part of that. She, um, has not been doing such a good job of taking care of herself, and instead has been allowing herself to be pulled towards all the shiny objects that distract her. ;)

      Balance is the key to everything... Now, seriously, will you come help me balance out my diet? ;)

  3. I'm curious, to find out what your definition of being bipolar disorder is, and how it relates to your addictions, and the choices you make. If your really looking for help, from anyone on this blog., whats your addiction, candy, speeding, shopping, sex?

    1. Many that read my blog know me in real life and know what my addiction is... It's not something I'm comfortable sharing the details about yet. Those who interact with me frequently know, though.

      I have been diagnosed with bipolar but have never really found the right combination of meds. Most make me a zombie.

      I'm not so much looking for help from this blog as letting others know that they aren't alone if they're going through something similar. Also, those who read it regularly and know me can help me stay accountable behind the scenes.

      I'm hoping that through a combination of therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, and some meetings I'll be attending I can figure out how my addiction ties in with my disorder and how both tie in to the poor decisions I make.

  4. Do you consider alcoholism, a disease, or a choice.

    1. I consider it an addiction. I think there's a certain amount of choice in it, in learning how to handle life without using alcohol. This is similar to how I think of my addiction.

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  6. I am glad one of us is getting ahead in our shared struggle with bipolar. You will rock this accountability thing like you rock those burlesque moves. :) You have good people around you. You are getting the attention and help needed to get through this. You are very lucky to have so many people ready to step up to the plate. :) It is a wish of mine. I don't drink so I rarely do #wineparty, though maybe I should if I could possibly meet and find some support. We'll see. Keep it up. You will be more accountable with each day. :)


    1. I am truly lucky - though I wish my accountability and support partners weren't mostly distant. When I'm desperate at 10:00 on a Wednesday night there's nobody to call and say please come and meet me and give me a hug and help me not do what I really want to do! But the support meetings I've started attending are a big help, and I'm meeting more local people who won't justify for me or feed into my addiction or illness.

      There are many that attend #wineparty who don't drink - so if you're around on a Friday night - go ahead and check it out. I've gained many Twitter followers, text friends, and blog readers from it!

      And I'm here! Text me, call me, tweet me, email me - whatever/whenever. :)

    2. Yeah. I don't actually drink at #wineparty. Only on one Friday I went out with a friend before #wineparty and DID drink, so I was drunk at #wineparty, but I ended up missing most of it.

      Okay. That was more than you needed to know. But what I was TRYING to say is that usually all I have next to me at #wineparty is a can of soda. And I have a great time (click on the link above for an example, and then there's a whole tag of entries in my blog about #wineparty).

      (And do we already follow each other? Frankly, I get all my "mama"s mixed up sometimes...) If not, we can meet now, outside of #wineparty. ;) @theborgblog