Thursday, October 10, 2013

Words Can Break a Spirit

What do you do when you're awake at 1:30 am, then still awake at 2:30 am? Apparently you read through old shit you should have deleted long ago. You feel that pain all over again. Your finger hovers over the delete button but you don't quite bring yourself to press it. That document of over 1000 horrible text messages? You KNOW it's time to let go of it, but you just can't seem to do it. Partly because you think maybe you NEED to keep it, maybe that reminder is good when you start glossing over the bad and forgetting. Maybe sometimes you shouldn't forget.

Words hurt. They may not break bones, but they may well break a spirit. Actions hurt. Words and actions combined? Wow, that'll really knock you for a loop. I try to be a good person. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I'm selfish beyond belief. Sometimes I can't move beyond my own pain or fear to be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. Sometimes I hurt people. I carry the guilt around with me after hurting someone. It never really goes away. My first husband and I have been apart since the summer of 1999. I still feel guilty and sad for things I did that hurt him. Was he totally innocent? Of course not, but that doesn't excuse my part in it!

But back to words hurt. Those bitch ass words are hard to forget. They'll replay in my head at the most inopportune times. Doesn't matter how many times I've been told I'm beautiful or that I'm a good person. Here are the things I hear instead,

About me:
"She thinks she's so hot in her librarian dresses." Yep, pretty much think of that every time I put on a dress.
"...practicing her burlesque routine...want me to record her tired ass body for you working it?" Dancing hasn't been the same for me since.

To me:
"Nobody in this county has any use for you."
"You look like a drowned rat. Who would want to date you?"
"You don't do shit for your kids."
"You should never have been allowed to have kids. That's how bad of a mom you are."
"She's 100x the woman you'll ever be."

Well, that doesn't sound so bad, I guess. But the other words? The words that are too awful for even my unfilteredness? They're nasty and downright cruel. And they go through my head far too often.

I guess what I can say about myself is that I never pretended to be someone's friend and tried to get them to talk bad about someone so I could run off and tell them. I never made up flat out lies to get someone else to like me and want me and to not like or want someone else. Even when someone has hurt me or pissed me off, I'll point out and remember what's good about them. "Oh her? The one who pretended to be my friend while talking shit about me and sending nasty sexual messages to my husband? The one who made up lies and told my husband I said them? But remember when she sent me balloons and flowers for my birthday?" Okay, maybe that's a bad example.

But what this post is really about, is a reminder to myself that words hurt. To be kind, even if I think the other person will never read or hear it. It's a reminder that even if I'm angry and hurting, I need to think about what I'm saying because that person may remember those words a year or ten or even 25 years later.

This post may not stay up long. That happens when I post in the wee hours of the morning after bad dreams, with my heart hurting and my mind replaying all those hurtful words. I post things that maybe I shouldn't.

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